A Valentine For Caitlyn

Charlie Valentine

This is 2015. We don't have much of an attention span these days, as my grandaddy, Tricky Ricky Valentine, frequently reminds me. In fact, in the time its taken me to write this paragraph, I've also replied to seven emails, stalked my ex's Twitter and Instagram, and enjoyed some midget porn on a free website. We live in a time of variety, of excitement, of novelty. What's best is what's new. When something gets stale, it needs to be improved, or expanded or else we lose interest. This is nothing new, no matter what old Tricky Dick tells you. Even the Brady Bunch added that little runt, Cousin Oliver, to stay relevant. Think Leonardo DiCaprio on Growing Pains. Simple formula for television: things get old, add somebody new. A new character, or an existing character can have a baby.

My beloved Kardashian family knows this. We've got enough Kardashian babies to keep their show going twenty years from now. The problem is, however, the babies seem to be behind the Kardashian bell curve when it comes to vital family traits such as vanity, narcissism, and self absorption. What are they going to do to bridge the gap from the same old tanned goddesses to the next generation of blithering stupidity? What's going to make me throw away my Kylie Jenner Countdown Til 18 Calendar?

A NEW KARDASHIAN SISTER!!

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Caitlyn. I think I love her most of all.

Haven't we seen enough of those other three? Who hasn't seen Kim's vagina at this point? Watching Ray J smash it was one of my favorite activities while I pretended to work in 2007. Now that Kanye's demon spawn has invaded that dark chasm, you have to imagine the child's hereditary ego was enough to destroy it forever. We still don't know what's under Caitlyn's skirt. I for one am dying to find out. See no evil, touch no evil, taste no evil. I'm officially volunteering to be her fame making sex tape partner. I'll make ya famous, beautiful! Nobody wants to watch Kourtney anymore either. She may be the most beautiful of the three original sisters, but a real man would snap her petite little frame in two. Not Caitlyn. She's built like the mythical Athena, toned with those rippling lady muscles. There's nothing tiny about her, and that's how Charlie Valentine likes them. Big. Thick. Voluptuous. A real woman.

Kourtney also has some Kardashian mongrels of her own, but let's be honest, that's not why we don't wanna do her anymore. We can't respect a woman who has allowed herself to be mistreated the way that her baby daddy does. All the fan mail, all the proposals, all the viles of blood I sent her, and still she chose him. Do you think Caitlyn would let any man treat her so terribly? Doubtful. Look at those biceps. She probably has a wicked right cross. I like a woman who takes care of her business.

Then we have Khloe. The best thing you can say about her? She married a better athlete than her more famous sister, Kim. Lamar Odom was a starter on a couple of NBA Championship teams, pretty impressive. Caitlyn doesn't need her man to bring home the gold, she looks like a natural athlete, and I'm willing to wager she's probably world class in several different sports. I would pay to see her compete in the YMCA Cougar League. Khloe is also the most mentally and emotionally unstable of the Kardashian sisters. Can you picture Caitlyn having any severe issues that have been lingering for way too long? Of course not. With her broad chin and long legged elegance, Caitlyn projects the strength of a natural queen, confident in her own majesty.

In closing, I would like to leave you with a saucy poem to express my passion and desire for the sexiest of beasts to hit the scene in 2015.

O' Caitlyn, how I wanna do you, let me count the-......

I just multitasked another window on my browser.

TMZ.

I think I'm going to vomit.