Bitch. Whore. Fat C***. These are the lovely adjectives people have used to describe me over the past week. I’m not going to defend myself. This is America, you can think whatever you like and say whatever you think. So this broad is going to do the same! Strap on your seatbelts kids! I’m answering your sex, dating and relationship questions! Hilarity ensues:
How do I get out of a bad date?
What do you consider a bad date? I had a guy show up for a date with uncombed hair, food in his teeth and a hole big enough in his pants to ever so slightly let one ball slip out and rest on the bar stool like a cat on a windowsill . He then proceeded to talk about Judaism the entire date and how he didn’t know if he could marry a Christian. Marry?? Did I want to shove a lit menorah up his Jewish* ass, you betcha. But I stayed, ordered another Margarita (how else would I do this without Jose?) and stuck this bad date out like a trooper. I let Mr. Doyourballshanglow walk me to my car, thanked him for dinner, gave him a friendly pat on the back and straight up told him, “You seem like a really nice guy, but I think we’re looking for different things.” Moral of the story is, stick it out. Finish your drink and politely tell her you’re not interested at the end. And if in any case you feel you can’t possibly make it through one cocktail….tell her you have to go home and harvest your crops on Farmville. Your Patty Pan squash is almost due and you’re dying to plant coffee. She’ll never call you again.
*Note: Don’t e-mail me about hating Jew’s. I love Jew’s. One of my best friends is a Jew and I love that bitch to death!
Is hooking up on the first date ok?
Let me tell you what a guy is thinking when you decide to give it up on the first date:
1. Shit. I’m getting it in tonight
2. Does she do this with every guy?
3. I have standards.
4. She just called me Tim. I’m Tom.
5. I’ll probably never talk to her again.
So, of course it is! We all have needs girl. If you want to hook up, do it. But for crying out loud, use a god damn condom. I carry them in my make up bag at all times. You never know who you’re going to bump in to and want to fuck. Now with that said, don’t expect anything from him. It’s just sex!
I’m feeling really insecure after reading your blog. I’m not exactly packing heat. Is there any hope for me at all?!
Dear Little Insecure,
Of course there is hope! Lock yourself in a closet with a pickle pump and don’t come out until you’ve increased your size by at least an inch.
Okay, obviously I’m kidding. Listen up. There’s a seat for every ass. Just like there is a dick for every girl. Just because I didn’t like Mr. Smalldick’s package doesn’t mean that some other woman isn’t going to want to get all up in that. (And whoever that woman may be, she’s a lucky lady as he’s a great guy!) So don’t be insecure at all!! There are plenty of woman out there who will be satisfied with what you have to offer. It also doesn’t hurt to brush up on your oral techniques!! Remember, it’s not all about the penetration... The fun that leads up to sex is just as exciting too!!
Why is my husband so obsessed with wanting to put it in my butt? Should I let him?
Blame porn. They did this shit. Pun intended. Now I’ve heard a few different opinions on this. Some woman love it… Can’t get enough really. And from what I hear it’s a pretty amazing orgasm. So if it’s something you’re interested in, give a whirl. Just make sure you have properly clean your bottom, load up on the lube, and down a couple of shots of Jack. He always seems to make me want to try new and interesting things. Now there is the other side… Some women are just all set. I fall in this category. Don’t touch me there, don’t lick me there, and sure as shit don’t you dare try to stick your dick in it. Do you know what comes out of there?! I don’t and will not. And if this is how you feel, stick to your guns girl. Only do what you’re comfortable with!
Dominica Hernandez is still single and living in Warwick, Rhode Island. These stories are a collection of her experiences. If you or someone you know has a question about sex, dating or relationships feel free to e-mail her at DatingDominica@gmail.com. She will NEVER post your real name or information!