GoT #5: Greatest Diplomatic Flubs in Westeros

RA Bartlett- The Comic's Corner 

Another Week in the Seven Kingdoms through the eyes and brain cells of one Comic's Corner's finest up and coming Stand Up Correspondents. We now proudly present Part 5 of our ongoing series, all leading up to the Season Four Finale! 

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This week on "Game of Thrones", we saw Tyrion and Cersei try and find champions for his trial by combat. This is a means of deciding somebody is innocent or guilty via two people fighting it out. It's believed that the winner is ordained through providence, thus to against that verdict is to defy divine will. This actually has historical basis, although usually in a society less advanced than Westeros. Longtime viewers will remember that Tyrion's cutthroat friend Bronn has bailed him out this way before. Of course, Bronn is sitting this one out, due to both Cersei's bribery, and the fact that she has selected Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane as her champion. The Mountain is, of course, the continent's unbridled killing machine. Somebody would have to have a really good reason to go up against him. That somebody is the season's Inigo Montoya expy, Oberyn Martell. Oberyn only came to King's Landing in the first place to have a shot at the Mountain as revenge for his horrendous crimes committed against Oberyn's sister. This shot at Clegane was something Tywin Lannister promised, in exchange for being a judge at Tyrion's trial. Somehow, that went south. I mean, why bother with trying to make friends with this family you hate, while your object of wrath is just there?

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Oberyn's kingdom of Dorne has always been the black sheep of the Seven Kingdom's...(Well, perhaps the Iron Islands too, but they're not so much the black sheep as lyme-disease-carrying ticks) it's much different ethnically, culturally and geographically. It was the last of the kingdoms to join, and it has largely kept to itself due to one of their favored daughters (herself a part of the Targaryan royal family) being so brutalized, they've shut themselves off. Tywin was hoping to do something about that, but Cersei had to bring the Mountain in as her champion, after going to all the trouble of trying to convince Oberyn of ruling against Tyrion in her favor. Once again, she displayed this inability to process anyone's but her own sense of bereavement. Either Oberyn wins, and thus her political enemy goes free, or the Mountain wins and any progress with Dorne is at best set back to square one. My point is, Cersei is perhaps the worst diplomat in King's Landing, Her ability to alienate people is astounding.

Tywin, for his part, tried his hand at keeping the houses as connected as he could. The small council seats for the Martell and Tyrell family. He’s trying to make sure everybody is an alliance. (Everybody he hasn't systematically wiped out, that is) Because something Cersei was doing before, that nobody cared for, was the hoarding of power. The second Joffery took over as king, he named his grandfather Hand of the King, and his "father uncle”, Jaime, as head of the Kingsguard. The problem was, there already was one, Ser Barristan Selmy. Considered one of the best fighters ever, and still kicking around as everyone else is dropping. The position is supposed to be for life, so the Lannisters committed an egregious breach of protocol in dismissing him. While not a head of state, Commander of the Kingsguard is a very important position. It’s like firing the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court just to get a cushy job for your brother (Whom you have sex with). As a result, Barristan travelled overseas and joined up with the Targaryan dynasty in exile. You know, the family the ostensibly Baratheon dynasty took the crown from.

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Another dumb move comes from the Greyjoy family. You see, the history of the Greyjoys, the creepy Viking-like people Theon comes from, is they rule the Iron Islands, and are an isolated, angry kind of people. When Robert first became king, they sensed an opportunity to take advantage of the shaky transition by rebelling, and attacking the coasts. However, while Robert, Ned, Stannis, etc. aren’t very good at court politics, they are very good at winning wars. The Iron Islands wiped out the Ironborn, and Ned took Theon as a hostage, so they would never pull a stunt like this again. Theon, for his part, went native, and that the start of the War of Five Kings called for an alliance between the families. Theon’s father, Balon, did not see this as a good idea, as saw Theon’s freedom as a chance to start over Ironborning again. Maybe curry some favor with the Lannisters. The thing is, nobody views the Iron Island raiders as a threat, in the same way they view the Lannisters. The Greyjoys are like the bats in “Pokemon”; Annoying and inconvenient, but dispatched of quickly and best ignored. Balon’s antics have left him with an enslaved and castrated son, and no major wealth or reputation. The Greyjoy’s gloomy self centered-ness and grotesque values systems have made their chapters the least loved of the series among book readers.

Even the white hats are guilty of this. A couple season before, Robb Stark promised marriage to one of the Freys' daughters, in exchange for access to a strategic crossing during the war. The books make this the result of a genuine conflict. In a moment of passion, Robb goes to bed with a girl, and then feels he has to do the honorable thing. The show makes it seem a lot more petulant, as Robb just abruptly decided to render the contract null and void because he got the hots for some plucky young woman from the other side of town. I think we were supposed to root for him and his dilemma. As I mentioned last week, we as 20th century Americans are led to believe all matches should be love matches. But chances the chances of Robb marrying some lovely young woman he met on OKOldGods. Actually, it’s probably a major oversight for the Starks not to have set up a betrothal for him with a major house in the first place! I mean, what an oddity Rob was, a bachelor at his age. If they took care of this first, there probably wouldn’t have been a problem. They would have likely offered a Tully, who ended up being offered later on.

If the Freys had slammed the proverbial door shut on Robb, that would have been the end of it. Nobody would have blamed them, they were kind of mad at Robb themselves. But, as what was mentioned a couple episodes past, the Freys violated something called "guest right". It's another ancient tradition that supposes for as long as a traveler is a guest in someone's home neither host or guest should impose harm. This is a history-long, widespread cultural concept. It's usually called "sacred hospitality", and many say that's the moral of the story of "Sodom and Gomorrah", not anal sex. In older days, there was no Motel 6, and it took much longer to get places. Civilization as a whole was more widespread. So people relied heavily on the generosity of houses they would pass by in their journeys. If you abuse this, you throw off the chain of commerce and communication. Frey's even managed to outdo that, by relentlessly slaughtering most of his in-laws. Keep in mind this is a political marriage. That is to say, the reason 90% of weddings happen, and the way 90% of treaties happen in the first place. It would be like bombing a voting booth.Who's going to want to unite with a Frey. Granted, arranged political marriages aren't a great way to do things, and modern society has largely abandoned it. However, that’s how we do things on the show, and now nobody is going to want to attend those nuptials, with the possible exception of a Dothraki. This is a major problem for house that gets married every two weeks.

Of course, the Lannisters arranged their part in this, too. Tywin kept his relationship at arm’s length, for plausible deniability. But they’re still kind of held responsible. The Lannisters may be better at dealing with families when they have to, but their ruthlessness constantly makes them enemies. With the only two people good at making friends being the ostracized dwarf, and an aging, father, one dreads (and cheers) for how they’re going to bring themselves down.

Oh, I should also use this chance to rebuke Aragorn’s decapitation of the Mouth of Sauron in the movie adaptation of “Return of the King”. I mean, dude, I know you weren’t going to have a treaty with Mordor or anything, but it really makes me wonder what his policies are going to be. Will he cut programs by literally cutting the heads off of redundant personnel? Yeesh.