 Update: More information comes to light from depths of Newsom's Bog:
In a shocking revelation, the origin of the giant catfish, responsible for the deaths and sexual molestation of several persons in the area of the Louisiana Bayou known as Newsom's Bog, has now been established! As reported last week, National Guard troops trapped and destroyed the marauding beast in its underwater lair. Unfortunately, all possibility of recovering the huge carcass vanished when detonation of explosive charges caused the roof of the underwater cavern to collapse. However, tests conducted on pieces of the catfish extracted from wounds and orifices of the 14 casualties of the final battle reveal that the unnatural size, horniness and psychotic disposition of the catfish may have been caused by the ingestion of tremendous amounts of anabolic steroid, human growth hormone (HGH), and several not yet identified growth-enhancement designer substances. Also found in trace amounts: the Southeast Asian sexual hallucinogen Tiger Dust, leading to the bizarre possibility that the catfish believed itself to be having consensual sex with other catfish, and not attacking human beings at all! The truth of this hypothesis will obviously never be known. What has been determined is the source of the illegal substances themselves: the crash of Jet Indigo Flight 237 out of Boston's Logan Airport, shortly after Hurricane Katrina swept through New Orleans. We can blame Hurricane Katrina, the self-destructive lifestyle of today's athletes, and the cost-cutting corporate policy of Jet Indigo Airlines, for the giant catfish's reign of terror. History: Following Hurricane Katrina and its historical devastation of New Orleans and surrounding territories, aid and relief pours in to the stricken region. Flight 237 results from a modest benefit, jointly staged by Sanrill Productions, Crosscountry Sport, Inc., and Mainstay Pro Wrestling Promotions, planned to take place at Buford Mall, just outside city limits. Aboard Jet Indigo Flight 237 are 9 professional wrestlers, 3 baseball players, 2 former Tour De France participants, and 4 female bronze and silver veterans of the last Olympics. All are 5th rate celebrities, all juiced to the max in an effort to change their lowly status. Recipe for creating a giant psychotic catfish: 1. Flight 237 goes down in Newsom's Bog. The plane fragments on impact. 2. 10 bodies are never recovered. Even recovered dead are mostly chewed and swallowed by local wildlife. 3. Countless milligrams of Steroid, HGH, Tiger Dust, and who knows what chemical miracles added to slimy bayou water. 4. Await results. Note: This time my information does not just come from infrequent, and incoherent, Bayou Denizen articles, but from multiple, well-documented sources who all wish to remain anonymous. I don't blame them. There are careers, reputations, and possible physical consequences involved...as well as the ever-present threat of lawsuits. So: mum's the word. To be continued ... George Goner, for The Haunted Cabaret |
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