We need you, Donald.
We need you now more than ever.
We need someone to pull our country’s balls from its abdomen and drag them back into the scrotum where they once rested comfortably during the glory days of Ronald Reagan’s Star Wars foreign policy and our refreshing disregard for political correctness.
The iconic image of Bruce Springsteen’s Born in the U.S.A. album cover used to serve as an idyllic snapshot of our once proud nation’s core values, the brawny, able-bodied working man in his American-made blue jeans with a tattered baseball cap stuffed into the back pocket putting in a 14-hour day to earn his keep.
Now it’s Wiz Khalifa in skinny jeans holding a bullhorn shouting about solidarity, social justice or some other combination of obnoxious liberal buzzwords.
The systemic decay of our nation’s education system is on full display this week at the University of Missouri, where president Tim Wolfe buckled under the pressure of student unrest and quit his post because he failed to win the unwinnable war against racist.
Quick recap: a bunch of mouth-breathers riding in the back of a pickup truck on campus call a black kid a “nigger,” another kid smears shit on the wall of a dorm room bathroom in the shape of a swastika, students demand change, students don’t get the change they want, students then call for the president to resign, another kid threatens to go on a hunger strike, the school’s shitty football team threatens to stop playing football and the president ultimately caves in because he’s sick of everyone’s bullshit.
College is supposed to prepare our children for the real world, not foster an environment where students face little to no responsibility other than waking up for class and are taught they can get their way as long as they scream long enough regardless of the cause. Our education system already failed us. Now it’s failing our children, too.
No one tolerates racism. Let’s make that perfectly clear. But no one in the real world is naïve enough to believe racism will ever cease to exist. You can host candlelight vigils until you’re blue in the face and hold hands singing “Kumbaya” to protest police brutality against an unarmed black teenager, but there’ll always be some prick in an unmarked Chrysler driving by with a burning cross hanging out of the passenger side window and his middle finger waving out of the driver’s side.
The war on racism cannot be won. It’s as unwinnable as the war on drugs. It’s as futile as trying to convince pretty, young girls to stop dating douchebags with neck tattoos and bad credit.
Students at Missouri claim racial tension is it an all-time high since the shooting death of Michael Brown in Ferguson, roughly 100 miles from Missouri’s campus in Columbia. The problem is they’ve yet to prove the people yelling racial slurs out of the moving fan were actually students, not just some unruly thrill-seekers on campus looking to get laid, nor have they outlined in detail the extent of this “racial tension” they suggest has poisoned the campus for decades. To claim Wolfe is at fault or has not done enough to stem the tide is a bold, defamatory statement, sort of like launching a smear campaign against America’s favorite TV dad without any substantial proof other than your own Rohypnol-infused memories.
The administration decided its first course of action would be to implement diversity training among its faculty members. That wasn’t enough. Instead, Wolfe had to go for no other reason than the fact he couldn’t reverse decade’s worth of racism at Missouri, regardless of the fact has about as much control over the actions of others as your or I do watching from the comfort of our own homes.
Thanks to the inevitable social media bowel movement of hashtags, retweets and faux outrage, this story reached audiences far beyond the campus emporium. Sen. Claire McCaskill – the same U.S. senator whose office once used taxpayer money to help pay for trips on a private jet owned by her husband and a group of friends – said the school needs to address diversity issues among its faculty. Great! Let’s apply this same philosophy to the U.S. Senate and see what happens if McCaskill is forced to leave her cushy post because Congress decides it needs more blacks on the senate floor. The slurs would reverberate off the walls of the McCaskill household faster than the N-word at a Dr. Dre concert.
White people championing this cause without knowing the facts – primarily because the protestors have failed to provide any – love letting the diarrhea deluge of white guilt flow on Twitter, Facebook, etc., but will gracefully bow out when the you-know-what hits the fan. Like most Caucasians suffering from a severe case of white guilt, Wolfe included, they fully support black people until their lawn ornaments go missing and they’re eyeballing Leon’s house at the end of the block.
While we’re at it, let’s be realistic regarding the football team’s involvement. The Tigers are mired in an underwhelming season, 4-5 through their first nine games and going nowhere fast. Had this happened at, say, Clemson, where the football team is ranked No. 1 in the nation, the players would’ve given this the Michelle Obama treatment, which means write a socially-conscious phrase on a piece of cardboard prefaced by a hashtag, watch it go viral and wait for everyone else to do the work.
What does any of this have to do with The Donald? It’s simple. Trump would never allow college campuses to become inundated with mindless sheep draining mom and dad of their hard-earned money with no concept of how the real world works.
To solve any and all of society’s ills, ask yourself WWDD (What Would Donald Do)?
Donald would immediately revoke the scholarships of those student-athletes who fail to meet their requirements by skipping practices and games in protest and bill them accordingly for their overdue tuition payments. Watch how fast they lace up the cleats.
Donald would also implement a new protocol on campuses across America by charging students utilities to live in on-campus dorms. Make them get jobs and foot the bill for electricity, heat and water since that’s what they’ll have to do once they graduate and enter the working force. See what little time they have for frivolous protests when they’re running late for work like every other working-class stiff in America too busy to care about something that barely affects them.
More importantly, Donald would never lose a game of chicken against a student threatening to starve himself until the school president resigns. Donald is too smart for disingenuous head games. The human body can only survive so long without food, but Donald can crush burrito bowls from Chipotle every hour on the hour until some trust fund hipster is dragged off campus in an ambulance with an IV hanging out of his arm. Maybe Wolfe resigning is a blessing in disguise, because someone too weak to stand up to a fistful of ungrateful students who need their diploma more than he needs them is not someone who should be sitting at the head table of a major university.
Our education system needs a massive overhaul, otherwise all we’re teaching our children is to stage baseless protests based on stale rhetoric without holding them accountable for their actions or making them bring something other than clever chants and hashtags to the table. Challenge them the way they challenge your authority.
We need our balls back. We need The Donald.
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