WBOB Original Reads

Five Worst Christmas Songs of All-Time

12/11/2018

Anthony Faccenda

Why do so many popular artists insist on releasing bad Christmas music? Sure, there are dozens if not hundreds of bad holiday songs out there, but our list specifically consists of well-known artists that stuffed our stockings with reindeer poop at one time or another. From Lady Gaga to a Beatle, these are the top five worst Christmas songs to ever assault our eardrums.

Christmas PTSD

John Denver – Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk this Christmas)

I am all for music being a therapeutic outlet for artists, but I don’t think Christmas songs are the appropriate venue to discuss your father’s alcoholism. Famed singer-songwriter John Denver’s 1973 effort comes off as equal parts bizarre and depressing with lyrics like “Please daddy don’t get drunk this Christmas, I don’t want to see momma cry.” Doesn’t that just put you in the mood for holiday cheer? No, it doesn’t. And now you’re just upset.

Getting Dumped on Christmas

Last Christmas – Wham!

At risk of sounding like the Grinch, I cannot stand this perennially popular Christmas song. It features strong vocals by George Michael, but I cannot get over the repetitive drum machine and synthesizer. Also, it’s hard to comprehend why so many people admire a song about being dumped on Christmas. That said, the music video for “Last Christmas” has over 375 million views on YouTube, so I guess folks like a dose of nostalgia and loneliness on Christmas.

A Funkin’ Mess

Funky, Funky Xmas – New Kids on the Block

From their platinum-selling album Merry, Merry Christmas, “Funky, Funky Xmas” stands out as particularly offensive to the ears. In the song, the NKOTB claim that Christmas is boring so they just have to make it “funky.” NKOTB, I could have saved you the trouble, because the Godfather of Soul James Brown already did that with album, Soulful Christmas, two decades earlier. Determining the song’s worst lyrics is a monumental task, but I am going to go with, “Funky Christmas and Happy New Year, how could you be booing it with Donnie D doing it?” Sorry boys, but I AM booing it.

Sexual Innuendos and Christmas

Lady Gaga – Christmas Tree

I doubt the newly Golden Globe-nominated dramatic actress Lady Gaga looks back fondly on this 2008 holiday tune, nor should she. With a monotonous synth beat and lyrics filled with bad sexual innuendos, this song is so uninspired considering who performed and co-wrote it. From “My Christmas tree is delicious” to “Light you up, put you on top, let’s falalalala (let’s go),” there’s a lot of abysmal lyrics to choose from.

A Beatle Wrote This?

Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmastime

Released in 1979, this horrible holiday tune makes our list for two reasons: firstly, it’s truly atrocious and secondly, it was written by one of the greatest songwriters to have ever lived. Sure, they have many horrible Christmas songs, but I find this one especially offense considering that it was written by former-Beatle Paul McCartney who also wrote “Yesterday” and “Hey Jude.” Despite my sentiments, the song has enduring popularity for nearly four decades and earns McCartney an impressive $400,000 per year in royalties. But then again, it’s been covered by Hillary Duff and Jimmy Buffet, so that should tell you something.