The Great Thanksgiving Pie Debate

Christian Martinelli
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Everyone buckle on in, we are about to have an extremely important conversation about our country’s history. It has been alienating us for centuries, and it is time to come to a conclusion on this extremely divisive subject:

Apple or pumpkin pie, which is the pastry pinnacle on Thanksgiving?

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First of all, there are very few people in the world that are allergic to Pumpkin, and basically everyone can enjoy it. Apples tend to be very allergenic. Fifty percent of people with pollen allergies are allergic to apples as well.

Apple allergies have side effects that include: Tingling or itching in the mouth. hives, swelling of the lips, face, and tongue, abdominal pain, and diarrhea.

That’s what I’m supposed to be thankful for? Pass.

Pumpkin pie is simply more delicious. You don’t need cinnamon-sugar, ice cream, and it steaming hot on your plate to enjoy. It’s good in any variation. Hot or cold, or mixed with mashed potatoes, it doesn’t matter. Apple just doesn’t stand up to that test either.

Pumpkins are a multi use tool. You carve them up for some good family fun, then you turn the insides into a delicious crusted delicacy. Once it rots, you can throw it on you least favorite in-laws windshield. It cannot get any better than that.

On the other hand, apples need to be peeled, sliced, marinated, sautéed, baked, etc. Consider yourself lucky if that peeler doesn’t get you a trip to the hospital after you’re done peeling 30 apples.

It’s without a doubt more fun to go pumpkin picking than apple picking.

You get to take a beautiful tractor ride through the pumpkin patch with your significant other, breath in the fall air, and then show how strong you are by finding the heaviest pumpkin in the patch and holding it with one hand. I can do that (not to brag).  You just can’t show that type of manliness at the apple farm.

These are all outstanding reasons why Pumpkin should be your go to option this Thanksgiving, but this last reason is going to put the nail in the coffin of this heated debate.

Thanksgiving is an American tradition. We’ve been celebrating it since 1621 when the Wampanoag Tribe gathered with the Pilgrims in Plymouth, Massachusetts for that historic first Thanksgiving.

You know what was also created in 1621? Pumpkin pie.

Yes, that’s right. Pumpkin pie was the dessert that was invented at the first thanksgiving. They could’ve chose any fruit or topping, but they chose Pumpkin. It’s our nation’s tradition and has been for centuries!

As people say there’s nothing more American than apple pie. Really? Then why was the pie created in 1381 in England?!

Yes, the English and Dutch hold claim to this pie, not us Americans. Apple pie is nothing more than a propaganda piece used by the government during World War II to symbolize prosperity and pride.

I’m extremely passionate about this argument, because we Americans tend to forget where we originally come from.

If it was good enough for the first Thanksgiving, it’s damn well good enough for the 397th one.

So, when you sit down with your family on Thanksgiving make sure you’re enjoying a luscious piece of pumpkiny heaven with a dollop of cool whip on top. I know if anyone dares to puts an apple pie on my dining room table it will be thrown out the window and they will be asked to leave immediately.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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