5 Revelations on 50 Shades - A Man's Perspective

John Davidson

Everybody's been talking about 50 Shades of Grey lately.  You know, the movie where Melanie Griffith's daughter is  bought by (whom I can only assume is) Ryan Phillipe's second cousin, and relinquished to a sex dungeon? 

So, I (reluctantly) went to check it out this week, and had some interesting thoughts about the nature of this demented relationship. 

Check out my 5 revelations of 50 Shades below

Billionaires are appealing to women

50 Shades has really brought attention to that strange, unknowable, X-factor that male billionaires always possess. Whether they look like Christian Grey or Warren Buffet, billionaires just have that certain je ne sais quoi that drives the ladies wild. Maybe one day personality or genetics experts will be able to nail down what commonality exists between all these billionaires that attracts the ladies, but until then it will remain a mystery.

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I now know what women want - kinda

Whips? Chains? Handcuffs? Butt stuff? Well, apparently a lot of ladies out there put a big ol' check mark beside those things on a list of "stuff that makes me slide out of my theatre seat". They just don't want to do it with the men in their lives. Keep imagining reaching for that ring, ladies! Remember, the women of generations past fought a sexual revolution to make sure you'd be free to read about, but never engage in, certain sexual activities! And, fellas with these ladies, you keep on trawling the internet to watch other ladies do the things your ladies imagine themselves doing but won't actually do.

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Obsessive stalking is the new caring

50 Shades has made it clear that women want to be cared about. And looked after. Really looked after. No seriously, look after them even more. Do you know their email password? Bro, you don't know their email password?! What did they eat yesterday? List. I want a list on my desk. Right now. What? You think this is going too far? Hell no! This just shows how interested you are. Personally, I invested in an automated aerial drone that follows my woman around, providing me with 24/7 surveillance of her actions. Next week she gets her microchip implanted. When I told her that she creamed her pants right then and there.

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You can get away with being creepy -- assuming you're a hot guy

Let me introduce you to two different guys. The first one looks like a real-life version of the Simpsons Comic Book Guy. He wants to spirit you away, tie you up, and inflict depraved sexual fantasies on you as he attempts to break you to his will. The second one wants the same stuff... but OMG! he's a total hottie -- 10 out of 10. He looks like if Brad Pitt's abs had a baby with Chris Hemsworth's face. Then, that baby grew up into a male seahorse that carried the child of Channing Tatum's butt in his little seahorse baby pouch. Number 2  looks just like that Channing Tatum butt-baby. So hot, right?! That first guy is definitely a total creepo with totally creepy desires. Butt-baby though? What a dream boat. I especially love how sexually adventurous he is!

50 shades of grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a shack in the woods it's an episode of Criminal minds

— jamie (@jmbryn) February 20, 2015

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Find a girl too young to know any better

Mmm, a sexually naive, socially isolated and emotionally stunted twenty-something? God, just writing that made me so hard I could smash a stack of bricks with my junk. Naturally, if I did, I'd show off my dim mak technique and only break the bottom-most brick Frank Dux style (Shout out to all my fellow Bloodsport fans!). Ladies love the dim mak. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah. Ladies, a successful, worldly man wants is sexual partner that looks at his crotch, points and asks "What's that?!" in a shrill, surprised voice. We want a woman that's so sexually immature that she has to pause and look around to make sure it's safe before saying words like 'penis' and 'vagina'. Ever touch yourself? Well, why is the Christian Grey of your dreams going to want your sloppy seconds? I know I don't. So cancel your Cosmo subscription, stay off the internet and adopt the lifestyle of a 1600's Puritan spinster. Okay, between the Puritan and Butt-Baby, I really have to go break some bricks. BRB.

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