Comic Con: Winners and Losers; Day 3

Lenny Schwartz

Sometimes in life you have to go beyond Thunderdome to see the panel you want to see. And at Comic con that may mean sleeping in the urine-soaked street of San Diego. And that's what people did to see the footage for "Mad Max Fury Road."*


*Official Trailer from Comic Con! Holy Easter Eggs Affleck! 

Actually that may be a lie to most comic con goers as they were only sleeping in the streets in the hopes of seeing the Marvel Movie panel.** Or to see if Batman/Superman would have any footage.

Hall H doesn't clear the room, so they go in to sit and wait through the panels they don't want to see, like the fucking bloodsucking wombats they are, to see the ones that they do.

**The Avengers 2 Panel, drool on my fellow nerds!

So that was the case for "Mad Max Fury Road" the only panel i wanted to see. It looks pretty fantastic from what I can see. Much more interesting than most films. George Miller took the stage and he was up there alone because the fucking cast couldn't be bothered to show the fuck up! Apprarently Tom Hardy was busy putting on his Bane mask and beating the shit out of teenagers and Charlize Theron was busy looking in the mirror pretending she is interesting. But George Miller who is 69 did a rare feat... he got a movie made that nobody seemingly believed in... and that nobody may STILL not believe in. But it's his dream to do. And good for him.  The panel was decent, a tad boring, but he's 69 years old rockin and rolling. Good for him. I'll see it as its one of the few things to come out of comic con that I'm dying for it to come out. Probably the ONLY one.

But the real reason anybody went tot the Warner's panel was to see if Batman/Superman showed up. And they did. Fuck, they had to after Marvel has been beating the living fuck out of them movie wise for YEARS at comic con... and this year was no exception.

Director Zack Snyder took the stage (marking the fucking seventh year in a row I have seen Zack Snyder take the stage,) looking ripped and I mean RIPPED. His muscels were huge. Which was funny when he introduced his Zack Snyder Robot... I MEAN Henry Cavill and Ben Affleck. Cavill came out looking like the Zack Snyder Robot that he is and Ben Ass-lick came out looking like he was half in the bag. He looked like he did during his "Gigli" days and thats not a good sign for the film. Oi! And then they introduced Gale Garson or Gal Grenier...fuck I can never remember her name she is so forgettable... the Wonder Woman, what's her name? Gal Gadot!

The Batman/Superman teaser stuff looks alright... Not much to go on. Though director Snyder is so jacked and ripped HE would have been a better Batman than Affleck. The actors didn't say a word onstage, just waved and cutely posed for a picture. They probably hate each other most likely or hate themselves. Then Snyder escorted them off the stage. Most likely to put them back in their cages and beat the shit out out of them for embarrassing him. Then it's back to Warsaw to shoot the rest of the film and destroy some villages. hahah Oh that crazy fuck Snyder.

Channing Tatum took the stage for "Jupiter Rising" or "Jupiter Ascending" or "who really gives a shit". Its been delayed a few times. Though I like Tatum. He's a genuinely funny guy and likable. His part onstage introducing the footage was fun and probably better than the finished film. Directed by the Wachowski siblings! [Matrix] And its not 1999 anymore, and nobody cares. Chris Hardwick [@nerdist] was the moderator for these and he's always a blast. He covers very well too for when the footage sucks.

So then The last part of the Warner's panel hits and it's the Hobbit film... the overdue, overlong third installment... and Steve Colbert comes out dressed in full Tolkien gear. It was pretty awesome. And then the panel comes out... Peter Jackson, Elijiah Wood, Cate Blanchette, Luke Evans, Lee Pace... and let me just say Lee Pace comes off like a fucking moron. Some Lee Pace gems, "I like New Zealand because I like to go hiking. Hiking is really fun." and "I enjoy these films, not just for what they are but for what they have become."  Lee looked like he had never even given a book report in front of the class ever in his life... or maybe he murdered one of his fans last night from Pushing Daisies.  One never knows. At this point in his career, Jackson looks like a New Zealand Steven Spielberg. A once passionate filmmaker who hardly gives a shit anymore and is kind of aloof... I loved him a few years back when I first saw him...he was funny engaging...now he looks like he bought into his own bullshit... and it's bullshit... hey who knows. Maybe Weta, his fucking digital design company can design him some passion or heart... thats what we loved about him in the first place.***

***Lenny's views do not reflect the views of Dan Martin, well, not always. Wink! -Editor, Comic's Corner 

The Hobbit panel was very funny... mostly because of Colbert... he was great fun. Cate Blanchett looks like she's going to lay an egg at any moment... that's what I think of when I think of Cate Blanchett..."what's that I won an Oscar? Here's some farm fresh eggs I just laid in the golden spires of Sydney Austrailia!" (said in a Cate Blanchett voice.) Evangeline Lilly shows up, she sucks as usual and I realize I keep seeing her all weekend no matter where I go she's there. Signing children's books, on panels, clogging up the Hall H toilets...Yes she is quite the charmer, yes she is. She's very pretty... if you like, you know hate yourself. Benedict Cumberbatch is there as well, and though everytime I say his name I want breakfast, was very sweet and charming. He even did Smaug's voice for us and it was pretty cool. He actually seems like a sweet man.  Probably a Satanist. "The Hobbit" will be an okay film, still an echo of previous films.

I saw the Simpsons panel, kinda dry, kinda wish they would just end the show. But you know it is an enterprise and they have to keep up the booze and hookers. So why not!

"Sin City: A Dame to Kill For" seems like more of the same, which if you liked the first film you'll like it, if you hated it, well you are pretty much fucked. Don't you wish movies reviews were all like that?

Then finally is the Marvel panel. Let's be clear. Marvel and DC have always had healthy competition. And DC does own TV with Arrow, the Flash, soon to be Constntine and iZombie. But Marvel does what it always does year after year to DC: They swoop in at the end and ass-rape them till Superman poops kryptonite. Jesus, I thought last year was hard on DC... First they start with "Antman" footage... doesn't look bad, but they fired a genius director, Edgar Wright and replaced him with the guy who directed "Fun with Dick and Jane." Still it doesn't look bad... Michael Douglas is in it and I'm glad. It keeps him out of the house and away from that psycho bitch, Catherine Zeta-Jones. She takes kittens and bakes them into pies. But I feel bad for Catherine. When she married Michael Douglas for his money, she should have had taken into account the Douglas men are almost unkillable. Fuck look at Kirk Douglas. You have a happy few years ahead.

Mavel announced Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Josh Brolin as Thanos, and then unspooled Avengers 2 Age of Ultron... looks pretty badass. All of the Avengers were there. Robert Downey Jr, Chris Evans and Hemsworth, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo,  James Spader.

Mad Max was the panel of the day though. Just awesome.

And then I walked the floor. Saturday is always kinda depressing because people know it's only one day left. I love all of the people that have come here, but man has it grown quickly. Being a nerd is now an acceptable thing. Now little nerds are going to meet, have awkward cosplay mutant sex, and then have nerdy children. I know this because instead of buying birth control those fucking nerds will buy comics instead. It's so beautiful you almost want to shit.

Maybe we all are going beyond Thunderdome. And what is it we are looking for? I figured it out though when I saw my old buddy Tyrese Gibson today. People who know me know that Tyrese Gibson has a crush on me. Yup, that cackling bastard from the Fast and The Furious films wants my junk. Yes, that fucker who "HAWCHAWED" his laugh into your hearts wants to play "Master Blaster" with me... to use Mad max for a second. I saw him today by the bay, incognito... we crossed paths, our eyes met, his penis went "Hawchaw!"  I knew at that moment I could fuck my way to the top starting with him. When our eyes met, he gave me a look that said "I'm here, Lenny. comfort me" (It could have been don't give me up here I don't want to talk to fans." or... something else, who the fuck knows? 

But at the moment I realized that that was the reason we all go to this convention. To meet and hang out with those who dig what we dig. And there ain't nothing wrong with that. So maybe we are indeed all beyond Thunderdome after all.

As Tyrese left chanting to himself "two men enter One man leaves" and smiled his perverted Schmuck smile I felt happy. It's like a dream we all share with each other here. And it's a nice one. I'm happy that nerds are having sex in their nerdy fucked up, totally incorrect ways. I think they should give out free birth control with each badge sold. I'm happy that somebody thought up the concept of a comic con those many years ago. I'm happy for all of the silly assholes in costumes who suck... and there are tons of them... good for them for believing in shit.

So after 57 hours of being up, I bid you goodnight.

Goodnight you fucking nerd.

Yup. You are one too. Welcome to Beyond Thunderdome.

Also See: Comic Con:

• DAY ONE
  
• DAY TWO

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