Dating Dominica: 13 Ways to Make the Wrong First Impression

Dominica Hernandez

Online dating can be really fun--if you like to be forced to listen to Milli Vanilli while being pissed on by R. Kelly. Same kind of thing. 

I keep torturing myself for this lovely column, and you the people! Oh, and free drinks! Let’s be real.

Below, you’ll find a slew of garbage you can say to a woman that will ensure you’ll be single forever. Or in my case, act like such a bitch with your witty (sh*tty) comebacks, that you’ll be sure to be spending most weekends alone with your cat. Enjoy.

1. Persistence is not a virtue

Don’t. Just don’t. If she didn’t message you back with in a reasonable amount of time, she’s not interested. Don’t keep sending messages hoping she’ll answer. You’re coming off desperate. And desperate never looks cute on anyone. 

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2. Spare the emojis

Yes, Josiah. You’re correct. My hair is fabulous. But the only people who should be saying “OMG” followed by “I love your hairstyle” is my gay hairdresser, friends, and the lady in the line at Stop and Shop. I litterally read this and my vagina dried up. The more masculine the better. For me anyways. 

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3. But I won't do that...

Don’t e-mail and tell me I’m racist. I’m not. I am however not afraid to whip out the bitch card if you start a conversation off on a negative note. Out of all the things I put on my profile you want to bring up the ONE thing I despise? Let me guess, you want a foot rub too?

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4. Find common recreational activities

Correct sir. I don’t “smoke the weed.” Thanks for stating the obvious however.

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5. Smell ya later

I sent this to a guy on Tinder whom I matched with. He was being solicited for sex by numerous woman and he would screen shot his comebacks and post them as moments. His comebacks were hysterical, which I can appreciate. 

However, I do not want to smell your ass for $100 bucks. I don’t even want to small my own ass, and that’s free. 

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6. Points for honesty! 

Work on yourself first before trying to date someone. Please for the love of god, this is so important! You must love yourself before you can love someone else! Okay, sorry for the Dr. Phil rant. 

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7. Don't lick and tell

Do you think if I ever had my as*hole licked I’d tell a random stranger?! I love my cat!

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8. Love at first swipe

Never drop the L-Bomb too soon. ‘Nuff said. 

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9. Ummm, what?

Ummm what? 

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10. Sexy photo time

DO NOT. I REPEAT, DO NOT send unsolicited dick pics. I could be having dinner with my grandmother for crying out loud, and I can assure you she doesn’t want to see dicks. Well, she’s sassy… maybe she does. But not without warning! 

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11. No second chance

Don’t let people come back in your life that don’t deserve to be there. Once chance is MORE than plenty. Fat asses unite! 

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12. No race cards! 

Racial jokes will get you nowhere. 

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13. Momma knows best

If you had any question as to where my smart mouth and quick wit come from, here’s your answer…

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Dominica Hernandez is still single and living in Warwick, Rhode Island. These stories are a collection of her experiences. If you or someone you know has a question about sex, dating or relationships feel free to e-mail her at [email protected].  She will NEVER post your real name or information!

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