When I woke up on the fateful Wednesday morning, I knew in my mind that today was going to be a shit show. I had been dating Mr. SmallDick for the past two years. He was my best friend. We did everything together. I told him my deepest darkest secrets. I just loved him with every fiber in my being.
Rewind 8 months. Mr.SmallDick waltzed me into a jewelry store.
“Shit just got real,” I thought to myself.
Mr. SmallDick exclaims, “Pick one. Any one you want.”
And me being the materialistic bitch that I am threw my Michael Kors bag down on the glass counter top and said, “The big one.”
Mr. SmallDick’s eyes grew wide. “Okay, if that’s what you want. Ma’am can you put this on my card?”
Fuck. What did I just get myself in to?!
The portly woman responds, “My pleasure.” Of course it’s your pleasure. You just made a fat commission check and I just agreed to marry Mr. SmallDick. Luckily for me, Mr. SmallDick told me he didn’t want to ask me to marry him in a jewelry store. He’d rather wait for the perfect time to drop to one knee and ask me to give up my sex life for the rest of my natural life.
Luckily for me, Mr. SmallDick never grew the balls to ask. And on that Wednesday I gave him the news I had wanted to give to him for months on end. Now, the question is: How exactly do you tell a man that he’s perfect in every way possible except for fact that you can’t stand to look at him when he drops trou.
Well, I did just that.
“I love you, but I hate your dick.”
Needless to say it was over quite quickly. He shrugged and said “I’m sorry.” And I replied with “me too.” Was I heartbroken? Absolutely. But I was free. Free from small dick hell. And I’m putting myself on PlentyOfDicks.com and getting me the fat chourico that I deserve.
Enter online dating. What a joke. Here I am on my couch with my roommate GoldieCocks (this one’s too big, this one’s too small, but this one is just right) and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby looking for a Chubby Chaser. As I peruse through hundreds of online profiles complete with gym rats and cross-fit junkies-- I sat back and let the action happen.
My first message comes in from FootFetishFrank:
Anyone who knows me knows I loathe feet. If this is a sign of things to come., I’m fucked. Had I made a terrible mistake leaving Mr. SmallDick. Then I remembered all the times I pulled the starfish move to get things over and done with and knew I had made the right move.
So here I am 31, single, with biological clock that's banging louder than two kids in the back of a Chevy Lumina (Yes, that’s how I lost my virginity). And so I started Dating Dominica. My raunchy, real, and humorous take on the male species. Follow me on my journey through bad dates, good sex, and everything in between.
Dominica Hernandez is still single and living in Warwick, Rhode Island. These stories are a collection of her experiences. Have a question or comment for Dominica? Email her: DatingDominica@gmail.com