John Davidson III
As the alcohol-drenched celebrations of St. Patrick's Day approach and people prepare parties to remember the evangelical efforts of Ireland's patron by projecting emerald vomit into sewer drains, I'm often asked how I, a total geek that doesn't party and, indeed, doesn't even drink alcohol, choose to enjoy this most inebriated of holidays.
With that question in mind, here are my five steps to replicate the geeky, alcohol free, St. Patty's Day I typically enjoy.
5) Eat Actual Food -- Good Food
Oh man! You know what people love to eat on St. Patty's Day? Corned beef and cabbage! You know what sober people never like to eat? Corned beef and cabbage! It's foul, disgusting garbage. Who even thought this up? Probably someone totally hammered. I know! Let's ruin beef by covering it in water and boiling it. What? Apply direct heat and carefully cook it so it's tender and delicious? Nah, let's just treat it like packaged macaroni and cheese!
Okay, now that we've cooked our meat in the culinary equivalent of bong-water, what should we pair it with to really drive home the beer-fart flavor we're going for? I GOT IT! Cabbage! We can add that in and get it sopping wet so it's basically like eating even shittier seaweed directly from the ocean. Is it any wonder peopledrink this much during St. Patty's Day when this is the traditional food?
Me? I opt for wonderful fast food. Maybe Wendy's. Maybe a delicious Walt's Roast Beef sandwich. Properly cooked beef! Crazy, amirite?!? Or maybe just a meat-covered pizza. Even the most disgusting, rabbit-turd piece of cheap "hamburger" grease-bomb topping is better than corned beef. And the best part? Since none of these places serve alcohol I get whatever I want right away so long as I go there before last call when late-night fast food gets flooded by staggering, stumbling celebrants looking to wash the taste of fart-beef out of their mouths.
4) Set the Mood with an Appropriately Geeky Movie
Geeks love bad movies and I'm a geek so, ergo, I love bad movies too! Bad movies let you watch something someone poured their effort & time into just so that it can end up the subject of ridicule. What's more fun than that? You know what isn't? Someone throwing up into your mouth during a drunken bar-crawl hook-up.
So grab yourself a movie! And really there's only one movie you can choose! Well, actually... it's a series of movies.
The Lephrechaun films.
These movies are the perfect bad films to enjoy on St. Patty's Day. Except for Lephrechaun: Origins. That movie can burn in hell (for reasons explained below).
Here's the premise: an evil leprechaun is going to murder people. That's all. Well, not really all. Sometimes he murders people in space. Sometimes her murders them in the hood. Or "tha" hood. What the hell more could you possibly need to know? They're dumb, hilariously low-budget and GLORIOUS (except for Origins. Eat me, Origins).
So you've got a leprechaun that uses a pogo stick to kill someone (yes, this happens!), space stations and gang-bangers. What could possibly be the cherry on top of this sundae? They star Warwick FREAKING Davis as the titular Leprechaun! Yes, Warwick Davis. The same Warwick Davis that played Wicket the Ewok in Return of the Jedi as well as Willow in...uh...that movie with Madmartigan. He's also been in Doctor Who, Harry Potter and even the 1990 television Zorro series (an absolute personal favorite of mine!). That is one of the geekiest resumes EVER!
Oh and Leprechaun: Origins? It doesn't star Warwick Davis. So it can go die.
Yup, rule 3 is drink. "But you just said you don't drink alcohol!", you say. Yeah, I did say that. And I don't. I didn't say "Drink alcohol" did I? What, you just see the verb "drink" and automatically link it to alcohol? Sounds like you have a serious problem.
Soda and milk shakes.
Two of my biggest weaknesses. And St. Patrick's Day is the day to indulge in them! Why? Because everyone else is pouring WAY worse things into their gullets so I can feel okay about indulging a bit! Who's gonna judge me? The guy that just went into full renal failure because his liver hit critical mass? Or maybe the co-ed who just drenched her own hair in puke and toilet water? Yeah, I'll take their opinions to heart! Hell, I'll probably ask them for general life advice because, clearly, they've got their shit together.
Nope! I'm gonna enjoy my high-fructose corn syrup and high-calorie ice cream in liquid form, thank you very much! I mean, why not? I'll probably have enough time during the day to hit the gym if I feel particularly bad. At some point, I'll even combine the two drinks and start downing root beer floats! After all, I'm going to need all that sugar and energy for step 2!
2) Destroy Drunks Online
Now we reach what dominates a good deal of my St. Patty's Day evening! Find whatever video game you like to get competitive over. For some people that's going to be Madden (wtf?! sportsball? lol) or something equally dumb. For me this year? Street Fighter V.
Now, just go online and start raising the hell out of your rank! You see, on St. Patty's Day evening video games get DELUGED with drunken, uncoordinated, sloppy idiots that feel invincible! It's the perfect time to rack up victories! And, usually, hilarious victories! It's even better if you're playing a game that allows you to hear our opponents because you'll be serenaded by drunken slurs and the sounds of derision being piled on your opponent by their equally drunk friends surrounding them in the room witnessing the ass-beating your handing them!
Think about that! I get to thrash someone in a video game while hearing them made the center of a fairly public depantsing! Especially since they usually open up every contest with a tirade of beer-bravado-fueled trash-talk that they then utterly fail to follow up on! It's basically the online version of every "One-sided beat-down" video you've ever seen online where a guy talks CRAZY SHIT then gets knocked the EFF OUT in a single punch. Except you're the one delivering that punch. Oh happy day! Remember, trolling is totally fine so long as the other person is completely wasted!
1) Enjoy Your Morning... and Make Sure Nobody Else Enjoys Theirs (#thankssocialmedia!)
Okay so I said it's okay to troll someone if they're totally drunk, right? That extends to hang-overs. If someone is hung-over it is TOTALLY okay to troll them. That is where rule #1 kicks in because rule #1 isn't technically a part of enjoying St. Patrick's Day because it actually takes place the next morning. See, after all those milkshakes and rich food, I'm going to sleep like a happy, fat baby. Everyone else though? They're dead to the worlds. Booze-drenched rocks that will turn into migraine-suffering zombies the next morning.
And the linchpin of this plan? Social media! See, people love to broadcast their status so you'll know exactly which ones of your friends are really suffering some real, tangible regret over their actions of the previous night.
So... when you pinpoint those people? Give them a call! Pretend you didn't see their status on Facebook or the Tweet about the pain they're in! If they don't answer? Keep calling! Say you were just concerned that they didn't pick up! Speak in a slightly louder-than-necessary voice! Incite your dog to "Say hello" too by barking into the phone receiver! If they insist they're too headache riddled to do anything or even speak, offer to take them out to breakfast and just pick somewhere you know there's going to be a lot of loud children! Twist those thumb-screws every chance you get! Remember, you don't drink so they'll never be able to get revenge on you by doing the same!
And, there it is! My 5 steps for a geeky, alcohol-free St. Patrick's Day! I guess if you want to be real geeky, you could actually keep in mind that this is supposed to be a religious holiday about moderation, temperance and peace but SCREW THAT, we get an excuse to act stupid! WOOO!