I saw 50 Shades of Grey. Ugh. It pains me to even admit it.
The highly talked about movie, largely controversial, follows the stories of 21 -year old Anastasia Steele and 27-year old billionaire Christian Grey. The virgin Ana, and the dominant Christian embark in a tawdry affair with the emphasis on Mr. Grey’s preference of living an S&M lifestyle.
Contracts, hard wont’s, rules, and his creepy way of dictating what the girl eats, controlling of what she wears, gives a skewed version of, and lacks completely, what being in a relationship, not even just an S&M one, entails. He is older, richer, and determined to make Ana his submissive. Perhaps if I was to undergo a lobotomy beforehand my intelligence would match one that actually enjoyed this movie.
It also pains me to admit a woman directed this movie. Sam Taylor - Johnson has no idea how to be sexy. The movie literally hurt my eyes to watch. Taylor - Johnson, attempting her best David Fincher-like grey and blue shades to dictate the mood of her movie, fails miserably as the shots jump from dark and brooding to bright and cheery, to bring home the fact that her two main characters are total opposites. The harsh jumping back and forth literally hurt my eyes, as I winced every time the movie jumped.
When the movie started, Danny Elfman's name appears on screen, crediting him with the soundtrack. A glimmer of hope for the film which was quickly dashed. He uses the played out and predictable song by Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, I Put a Spell on You to open. Like, really? Really? No shit. Thanks for the over abundantly clear foreshadowing. Jerk.
He doesn't fare much better throughout, with no real music to complement the story. Right in the middle, a slowed down version of Beyoncé’s Crazy in Love accompanies a rather rough sex scene. The scene is designed to show how unloving this sex is… but the song is all about love?
Whatever, I thought, Mr. Elfman must have made millions off this movie. And that’s what it was designed to do. Make money to capitalize on the success of the book, which is puzzling to me.
How…did THIS trash, sell 70 plus million copies?
It’s so… not smart, or fun -- or funny.
No one set out to make a piece of art with this movie and that’s clear. They found two young up-and comers, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan to star. Johnson spends most of her screen time nude. Her parents, Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson, must be so proud. And Jamie Dornan is a weak, girlish man, who should never have been cast as supposed to be rough and kinky Christian Grey in the first place. One could only guess these two young soon to be super stars did the best they could with the GOD AWFUL script they were provided.
The whole experience was a negative one. Not a single thing in the movie was new, groundbreaking, or deeply S&M. It’s exactly what you think it would be in a mainstream sex movie, with only an R Rating: Boring, almost vanilla sex that was supposed to be hardcore. Not one single sex act in the movie would be considered hardcore within the bondage community. Nothing to see here folks.
Skip the movie and instead take a trip over to Mister Sister on Wickenden Street in Providence where you can find real S&M tools and a staff that will help guide you through the various ass hooks and blindfolds.
'Til Next Time! XOXO
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