GIANT CATFISH DIES IN HAIL OF GUNFIRE

Tracked to its lair by 200 heavily armed Louisiana National Guardsmen, the giant catfish responsible for sexually assaulting the daughter of a local police chief and a sheriff's deputy has  been destroyed.

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"I said we would get him, and by God we got him," said Swampy Knoll police chief  Orson V. Lee. "We showed  that critter he couldn't molest my little girl, and get queer with a  deputized officer of the law in the bargain, and get away with it! No, siree! Not in the great state of Louisiana!"
The monstrous catfish did not die alone.

National Guard Commander Jody Grant led a heroic force of troops, police, and  courageous private citizens on an expedition into the darkest reaches of Newsom's Bog, to finally bring the beast to justice. Fourteen casualties resulted from the action, including nine confirmed dead. The names of the nine have not yet been released, pending notification of families. A persistent rumor that at least two of the victims of the catfish's savage fury were carried from the swamp anally violated could not be confirmed. "We shot the goddam thing full of holes and blew it to smithereens," says Commander Grant. " As far as I'm concerned, the less said about anything else, the better!"
The local police also refuse to divulge any details.  

Chief Lee  did note with an expression of surprise that the local citizenry, living in fear of the catfish since it began its reign of terror, did not greet news of the finned horror's death with the relief one would expect. Instead, they remain fearful. "You'd think they'd  jump for joy to be rid of the scaly perverted sonofabitch," he observes. "I mean, wouldn't you? They seem more scared now. Go figure."

One obvious explanation for the continuing unease is that no one has produced a body. According to  Guard Commander Grant, the giant catfish made its last stand in an underwater cavern, the roof of which subsequently collapsed during the battle. He  described  an intense automatic weapons fire, an ordered retreat, and a last desperate placing of explosive charges.  "It's dead," he says.

"Case closed." 

We shall see.

- George Goner
The Haunted Cabaret