Raw Recap: Dividing and Conquering (Video)

Jenny Pacillo (@DrJennyDanger)

This week’s Monday Night Raw was mostly focused on Survivor Series next Sunday. Stephanie McMahon and Triple H have had it with John Cena’s defiant attitude, and used their powerful positions to bribe and berate people into signing onto Team Authority, while intimidating anyone who even thinks about signing up for Team Cena.


WATCH: Jenny's Match of the Night below

Something to cry about

Rusev and Ryback start the episode by joining Mark Henry on Team Authority. I have never been a fan of Mark Henry, but his hyper patriotism against Rusev last month was lame, and his strange crying fits were too much to handle. It’s like, hey Mark Henry, why don’t you quietly breakdown in the shower like the rest of us. Not to sound like an abusive parent, but I can easily give the World’s Strongest Man something to cry about. Try substitute teaching every morning in the inner city, and waitressing in a posh suburb every night, then his jingoistic feelings won’t seem so serious. Anyway, I don’t think he and Rusev are going to be able to put their differences aside for Survivor Series, but we’ll see.

Meanwhile, John Cena and Dolph Ziggler are walking around with targets on their backs, never knowing who’s about to jump out of the shadows and beat the shit out of them. I got a massive kick out of Triple H’s little chat with them while they were huddling up in the locker room. His “watching each other’s backsides” joke was classic, he’s like the cool guy jock who picks on nerds in every 80s movie. 

Match of the night

My favorite match of the night was Ziggler vs. Mark Henry. Henry gets disqualified for smashing Ziggler with a folding chair, and continues to attack him after the bell rings. My poor little Dolph was being tossed around like a ragdoll, but then the Big Shows music dropped as he rushed out to save his friend. 

After he scared off captain imperialist, the gentle giant delicately lifted Ziggler up and carefully ushered him to safety. Team Cena is up to three.

Friendship and kindness always turn me into a sap, and I felt a warm feeling of happiness after this match. 

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Jenny's Match of the Night

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Hey fella!

Big Show and Ziggler met up with Cena backstage to celebrate, and Cena sort of looked off into the distance and wondered who the next person to join their team would be. I got my hopes up so high for about three seconds, insanely wishing “Cult of Personality” would start playing and CM Punk would march out and shake their hands. Instead, that pale idiot Sheamus rolled through with no pants on, called everyone fella a bunch, and I pretty much called it quits on Raw for the night.

I know everyone’s probably freaking out about Ryback turning on the Authority at the end of the night, and that was great. His Shell Shock is one of my favorite finishers, and I can only imagine how amazing double crossing your boss would feel. I am unclear on whether or not Luke Harper murdered Ziggler last 

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