So why the hell am I going to San Diego Comic Con year after year for FREE and you are not? You are probably wondering as you read this. I know you are. Hell, a few of you even asked me point blank. Why the fuck do you have a professional Badge? What the hell does that mean? What entitles you to be a Professional! Yup you are asking yourself this. I know...fifteen people have asked me today from my friends list and about a hundred different strangers who wanted to suck on my Schwartz for any nugget of knowledge I had to offer...which is actually less tempting than you must think as;
A. I'm married, and B. They would give me some sort of geek
STD that would cause me to piss in glorious technicolor?
Well, I'll give you an answer. The REASON I get to go to this fucking mecha of goddamn insanity is because I AM a professional... a professional bullshit artist. You have to be if you want to be a writer, and honestly? Every single person exhibiting in the fucking convention is just that...a professional bullshit artist. Some are more successful at it than others. Oh, and I wrote some screenplays too, a few published plays and showed my pee pee in some naughty calendar recently. You looked. I know you fucking looked you perverted fuck. It's okay. It's okay. I'll respect you in the morning.
AND SO IT BEGINS!!! 2014 COMIC CON IN SAN DIEGO!
Let me start off by saying, Thomas Jane is a no show this year... at least so far. Could be he's home WHACKING IT to the pic of me with my pee pee out, or... no fuck it THAT'S THE REASON.
The festivities began yesterday when I got up at Three AM and drove with my family to TF Green airport. W TFG standing for "THANK FUCKING GOD I'm outta that fucking hellhole. We arrived in San Diego. Slept, Ate, then went over to get our badges. And then it was off to PREVIEW NIGHT! The big winner of the night was "The Flash" TV pilot followed by the "iZOMBIE" pilot and the "Constantine" pilot*.
*Don't worry, that dumb fuck KEANU REEVES is nowhere in it!
Then today hit! I tried to avoid some big panels though the Rock or Dwayne Johnson or whatever he wants to be called was here. The biggest news today was that Matthew Mcconaughey and Christopher Nolan were here to promote "Interstellar". It looks like a cross between "The Tree of Life" and "Gravity". I'm already bored. Mcconaughey also gave his usual "All right, All right, All right" intro. Which, at this point is as cute as Arnold saying "I'll be Back" for the millionth time. I like Matty a lot actually but I hope he doesn't get too long in the tooth for people. "Interstellar" looks like it could be great. OR it could make us collectively shit for hours.
I got to walk around. Talked to Stan Sakai. Jeffrey Brown. Aaron Kuder. I saw Matt Groening and my daughter Callie looked at him and said "I NEED TO PEE REALLY BAD!" He just looked at us. I think he wanted to fuck me. But I was with Callie so I gave him the eyes. He understood. Or maybe I totally read the situation wrong. But honestly I think maybe I am mellowing out in recent years. I am even typing this by the pool as my daughter is swimming. Like I'm Carrie fucking Bradshaw from "Sex in the City" wondering why Mr Big only wants anal these days**.
**Question: Is THAT why they called him "Mr. Big?" I have no idea.
Yeah, maybe I am mellowing in my age. I'm kinda taking it easy. Sure I saw Guiellermo Del Toro today hocking his new film "Crimson Peak" which again sounds like either an anal sex thing or the third day of a female giraffe's cycle... he was looking good. Sorry about that joke but man his movie titles are starting to make me wonder. Combine that with the recent "Pacific Rim" and you got one CRIMSON RIMSHOT!
So yeah, I'm mellowing out. Today I had wonderful chats with some great artists, and had a realization; I'm happy here. Like REALLY happy. I think that's one of the things I like most about here. Sure people are fucked up here, and sure I've seen a lot of side boob, more on the men then the women. I've seen things you can only imagine kids. But you know what? The people here are genuinely nice. It's CHAOTIC AS FUCK! But everyone is just getting along. Having a great time. Sharing something together with complete strangers and living in harmony together. Fuck life is never like that. This is my seventh year here. I've been to other conventions. Been around the globe in the pursuit of comics. None of them are like this. Yes the lines are long and everyone needs to bring more deodorant. But hell I'll hug... well MOST of these people. Because I fucking love them.
So yeah. I am a professional. A professional bullshit artist in fact. But fuck it. We all are. So what does this whole blog mean? It means Matthew Mcconaghey wants to give me an Interstellar Rim job and the safe word is "All right. All right. All right." It means Thomas Jane dreams of Kosher meat in his sandwich nightly while fapping away, crying in his Dracula sized castle. It means that I saw Evangeline Lilly selling a Children's book. And I almost called the cops. Because that is just fucked up (I make none of this up!) And it means Comic con has started again... meaning Heath Ledger's the Joker may be having sex with a guy dressed as a my Little Pony RIGHT as I am writing this.
See? I have mellowed out! And they somehow give me free badges to go. Without even taking a shot in the mouth! Life is good. And I love Comic con.