John Davidson and Deven Antani
Hosts of Geek Cred
J.J. Abrams has become fairly legendary for his ability to keep a secret especially with the lid he's managed to keep on Star Wars: The Force Awakens. In the age of spoilers, leaks and rumors, the only news we've really received about The Force Awakens is solely what J.J. wants us to get. That's impressive. Of course, this hasn't stopped lots and lots and lots (like seriously a lot) of rumors and speculation from cropping up and flooding the interwebs.
Here we're going to take a quick look at some common ideas and suggestions that are really crappy and stupid. The sorts of things that people that think they can spout off while thinking it's somehow original or brilliant (hint: they're neither). So, without further ado, we present "The top 5 most insipid ideas for Star Wars: The Force Awakens."
#5: "[insert long-standing character here] should die!"
This is almost invariably the first stupid remark you'll hear from one of those clowns that thinks their ideas are edgy and challenging. You see, killing off a beloved character would like totally be unexpected and it would make the movie like mature and dark! Except it's dumb. If the best thing you can think of to do with a character is kill them you should probably just not do anything with the character at all (please take note of this, every major comic book publisher!).
Death does not make anything mature nor is "shock value" inherently good. If it isn't in service of the story and doesn't come from a legitimate need of the narrative, the death of a character is wasteful. And NO that doesn't mean to just set-up the narrative to pre-require the death of the character. That's cheating especially when you consider this is almost always invoked in relation to a character the person doesn't like in the first place. "Han should totally die!" Oh and what are your feelings on Han Solo? "Luke is way cooler. I can't stand Han". Ah, good to know there's no ulterior motive then and this all comes from a place of good story-telling.
In a fantasy series like Star Wars, death for a pivotal character would have to be a true part of their arc and journey. Since the boobs that would immediately suggest #5 don't know what either of those things are in regards to a character it's a safe bet they shouldn't be allowed to write. Go write your Snuff Wars fanfic instead.
#4: "They should totally use [insert random barely known Star Wars expanded universe character]!"
Sigh. This is sort of the inverse of #5 and, honestly, I can totally understand the desire for this. Full disclosure, my love for Star Wars is heavily based on my early exposure to the Star Wars Expanded Universe through the Darkhorse comics and various novels so I can relate to a desire to see some beloved characters on the big screen but I would never honestly ask for it or write it. It's unnecessary and just fanwankery. Oh you like Mara Jade? No one gives a damn. Oh you want Admiral Thrawn? Nope, not gonna happen. You absolutely demand the inclusion of Wrenga Jixton (look it up, geeks)? Nope!
The Expanded Universe has been totally thrown out by Disney and, guess what? It was the right move to make because they need to start from a clean slate if they want something cohesive that they won't keep bumping up against. Deal with it. If you don't realize that necessity it's precisely why you'd come up with "ideas" like those on this list.
Also, let's face it...as soon as the character appeared you'd immediately start bitching about how the actor isn't right or there's some minor inconsistency with their personality or how the appearance invalidates your favorite story featuring them. You would. You KNOW you would. And why? Because they're your favorite little niche character in a niche fandom that holds a special place in your heart. It's actually better left that way. No one wants to hear your inevitable whining.
#3: Anything involving clones.
Ever since the clonetroopers showed up in all their shitty-CG glory in Attack of the Clones, unimaginative dimwits have rushed to produce their magnum opus featuring a clone of a "ZOMG" uninjured Darth Vader fighting a clone of young Yoda both wielding Death Star-sized lightsabers against a dual Death Starsaber-wielding clone of Darth Maul. And it's idiotic.
Do I even have to explain how this is unoriginal drivel? The entire concept hinges on creating a copy of a previous character. It's literally "Xerox" the movie. And it almost always involves resurrecting a dead character whose story arc (there's that goddamn word again) has been closed and completed. "Yeah but it'd be so cool!" is the refrain from ignoramuses. No. No it wouldn't. It would be dumb and cheapen everything about the character you're copying. It didn't work in Force Unleashed II and it wouldn't work here. The ONLY clone arc that's ever been worth a damn was in King of Fighters (shout out to my old school fighting game geeks!). In Star Wars it'd probably be about as good as...well...Attack of the Clones. Yeah. Think about that!
#2: LUKE SHOULD BE A SITH!
It's horrifying how much support this stupid idea gets around the internet and fandom in general. People post this idea exactly as I did in all caps and with nothing else supporting it as if it's so friggin' brilliant they only had enough time to type out the single thought before hitting Enter and achieving immediate orgasm from their own genius. That is how imaginative some people think this idea is when it's actually one of the stupidest things (actually the 2nd stupidest), most poorly informed Star Wars idea a person could have.
Let's break this down...
So, Luke Skywalker, the main character of the original trilogy whose entire destiny, characterization, and journey as a hero hinges on the fact that he overcomes the temptation of the dark side so thoroughly that he actually turns his father away from it because of his own selflessness and faith, should now be a Sith. Because reasons. Are you really that dense to basic story-telling? Luke Skywalker is the last character that should ever fall to the dark side because he's already gone through that trial and now needs to face new trials, otherwise he's just spinning his tires as a character and retreading Anakin territory.
This idea, in all its inane, dumb glory, is probably the most outright insultingly stupid notion in this entire list. At the very least, however, it's not as creatively bankrupt as #1...
#1: The Empire has an even bigger-er and nastier-er superweapon than the Death Star!
Oh man! You remember how the Death Star was so awesome and iconic and mind-blowing when it was first seen in A New Hope? Remember how sci-fi movies have tried and failed to match the raw impact of the destruction of Alderaan by the DS? Or how the Expanded Universe vomited out super-weapon after super-weapon, all of increasingly stupid design, name and function? DUDE! They should TOTALLY do that in the new Star Wars! They should just steal the entire idea of A New Hope and the looming threat of the Death Star, inject it with Mountain Dew to make it a super-duper super-weapon and then act as if that necessarily makes the movie itself bigger and better!
It's stupid and it's boring and it's brain-dead.
It's the thinking of a twelve year-old on a sugar rush spouting out ideas on a playground.
Are you $&#@ing kidding me, Abrams?! COME ON!