She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she spiked my scotch with strychnine.
The WBOB staff weigh in on the Hallmark holiday that is St. Valentine's Day.
Valentines Day is upon us, and there's something in the air. But it ain't love. Catch the scent, breathe it in deep. Do you smell it yet? Loneliness. Insecurity. Desperation. If you haven't caught the wiff yet, you're probably all set for Friday the 14th. Expensive date lined up, some tokens of your affection wrapped and ready, and a little gleam of hope in your eye that maybe, if you play those cards right, you'll get to see what's under that carefully picked out dress. Or maybe, you're still trying to figure out how to balance your side piece with your main piece. If that's your game plan, or you haven't figured out that this isn't moonlighting season, I don't blame you for hating Valentines Day. For the rest of us, February 14 is the annual Predator's Ball; a 24 hour feast on the easiest prey Hallmark ever created. And we should all get to eat. So here's just a few easy time tested techniques for a bountiful hunt!
Your local meat market is, as always, a numbers game. Eligible women divided by competition, multiplied by your level of charm, plus or minus...uh, well, I flunked math. But I do know that Valentines Day is the one day of the year the odds are in our favor. You can be sure, this is the one time she's NOT just out to dance with her girlfriends. Most nightclubs will be offering promotions to pack in as many ladies as possible. So don't worry about spending too much of your hard earned money trying to get her drunk. That's one of her goals anyway, and she's paying relative pennies to get there. Besides, you can always rely on hundreds of other jamokes to be throwing their cash away anyway. Like the song says, as soon as he buys that wine, you just sneak up from behind. But remember, don't waste too much time chasing one target. This is an open air sex market. If at first you don't succeed, there's always a potential deal to be made in the next group of girls dancing ass to crotch in a train. Choo-choo choose another one!
Big Bonus Tip: If you can find an establishment that provides, ahem, male entertainment for the female clientele before opening to the general public, your odds increase to 99.9% success!
Let's state the obvious. If she's active on social media, and she's not posting about how deeply in love she is, she's not doing anything. Nobody is making her feel special. So get those chat windows open! She's waiting...for you. Don't disappoint her, lest you wake up disappointed on Saturday.
Red With Envy:
This is my absolute favorite, 100% guarantee, can't believe I'm giving it away for free, trick of the trade. It's the old adage, people like to hear you're doing pretty good, but they don't like to hear you're doing better than them. If your local supermarket sells flowers, that pretty young thing working the register until late knows this all to well. No date. No plans. And all day long she's watched men come in and out, buying roses and bouquets, teddies and chocolates, cards and all sorts of thoughtfuls to give to their Valentines. Handsome men, ugly men. Tall men, squat men. All of them doting on the objects of their affection. O!, what she would give for just one of these men, any man, to be thinking of her. So on this night, you're checking out in her line with more than just your lonely pizza for one. You're bringing the cure for her Valentines Day blues!
If all else fails, hey, this is still America. You can always pay for play. Happy hunting, try not to get captured out there, and I'll see you all at the Predator's Ball!