Why Valentine's Day SUCKS!!!!! - by the Staff

She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she spiked my scotch with strychnine.

The WBOB staff weigh in on the Hallmark holiday that is St. Valentine's Day.

Kevin Willette
WBOB Personality

Valentines Day is upon us, and there's something in the air. But it ain't love. Catch the scent, breathe it in deep. Do you smell it yet? Loneliness. Insecurity. Desperation. If you haven't caught the wiff yet, you're probably all set for Friday the 14th. Expensive date lined up, some tokens of your affection wrapped and ready, and a little gleam of hope in your eye that maybe, if you play those cards right, you'll get to see what's under that carefully picked out dress. Or maybe, you're still trying to figure out how to balance your side piece with your main piece. If that's your game plan, or you haven't figured out that this isn't moonlighting season, I don't blame you for hating Valentines Day. For the rest of us, February 14 is the annual Predator's Ball; a 24 hour feast on the easiest prey Hallmark ever created. And we should all get to eat. So here's just a few easy time tested techniques for a bountiful hunt!

Feeding Frenzy:
Your local meat market is, as always, a numbers game. Eligible women divided by competition, multiplied by your level of charm, plus or minus...uh, well, I flunked math. But I do know that Valentines Day is the one day of the year the odds are in our favor. You can be sure, this is the one time she's NOT just out to dance with her girlfriends. Most nightclubs will be offering promotions to pack in as many ladies as possible. So don't worry about spending too much of your hard earned money trying to get her drunk. That's one of her goals anyway, and she's paying relative pennies to get there. Besides, you can always rely on hundreds of other jamokes to be throwing their cash away anyway. Like the song says, as soon as he buys that wine, you just sneak up from behind. But remember, don't waste too much time chasing one target. This is an open air sex market. If at first you don't succeed, there's always a potential deal to be made in the next group of girls dancing ass to crotch in a train. Choo-choo choose another one!
Big Bonus Tip: If you can find an establishment that provides, ahem, male entertainment for the female clientele before opening to the general public, your odds increase to 99.9% success!

Waiting...
Let's state the obvious. If she's active on social media, and she's not posting about how deeply in love she is, she's not doing anything. Nobody is making her feel special. So get those chat windows open! She's waiting...for you. Don't disappoint her, lest you wake up disappointed on Saturday.

Red With Envy:
This is my absolute favorite, 100% guarantee, can't believe I'm giving it away for free, trick of the trade. It's the old adage, people like to hear you're doing pretty good, but they don't like to hear you're doing better than them. If your local supermarket sells flowers, that pretty young thing working the register until late knows this all to well. No date. No plans. And all day long she's watched men come in and out, buying roses and bouquets, teddies and chocolates, cards and all sorts of thoughtfuls to give to their Valentines. Handsome men, ugly men. Tall men, squat men. All of them doting on the objects of their affection. O!, what she would give for just one of these men, any man, to be thinking of her. So on this night, you're checking out in her line with more than just your lonely pizza for one. You're bringing the cure for her Valentines Day blues!

If all else fails, hey, this is still America. You can always pay for play. Happy hunting, try not to get captured out there, and I'll see you all at the Predator's Ball!

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Dan Martin
WBOB Host & Writer
Comic's Corner

Why does Valentines day suck you ask? I propose that the day itself does not suck. It is a day, like many other days. A day devoted to love wrapped inside a month devoted to respect and diversity. As far as days go, it has the potential to be one of the most inspirational days of the month. Love, acceptance and equality. But like anything else intrinsically good, it is the people that ruin it. If you are a jaded lover or single, you are made to feel bad about the day. Commercials are aimed at women for things like Jewelry and elaborate electronic gifts for them to buy their men. Because as we all know, chocolate makes you fat and no one wants that. And how else will you get someone to love you if you don't have any money?
Also if you do happen to be in a relationship you are made to feel that you will never measure up to the "American" standard of living in a couple. Now I am not saying Al Capone's method of celebration was correct but I do propose that we all celebrate in our own ways and let the person you care about most know how you feel. Beyond that, I say let all of the people in your life lucky enough to be loved by you know just how much they mean to you. Words can mean much more than we are lead to believe. Avoid the media and get a room! Good luck in love folks.

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Alicia
WBOB Host & Writer
Raw Sex

I love Valentines day, I always have. From a young age, I would go buy silly dollar heart boxes of chocolates or a pretty pink carnation from the local florist and give it to my sisters and parents. I would beg my mom to let me get those cheap V-day cards from the pharmacy for my classmates and attach a red heart shaped lollipop to each. As I got older and lost my innocence, I lost a bit of my love for Valentines day, I was always the lonely sucker and it reminded me of how "unloved" I thought I was. but I've regained my faith in good ol' Cupid. Most of us get so wrapped up in our daily lives that we forget to show the ones we love how much we appreciate them, so I like having a day to focus solely on my love for the people around me. I'm also a hopeless romantic, so I love the idea of some day having a man do all the silly typical crap people expect on v-day PLUS, I love any excuse for a night full of hot steamy SEX. My advice is, make V-day your own. F*%& the media and social expectations. Maybe you spend every year with your best friends, your children, or you have an anti- v-day party. As long as you're spending it with the people you care about most, then that's all that matters.

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Freddy Choyle
WBOB Writer

Just as you start to catch up from all the Christmas credit card debt, the cash registers once again are seeking your hard earned dough.
What a pile of crap. A day of love! Ha, I laugh at this foolish celebration, made only for the exchange of grammar school hand made crafts originally. Today this day is really about, expensive dinners, diamond necklaces and the fable that is love. If your one of the few, in this vast valley of romantic bliss, enjoy. For the rest of us, pop a bottle, relax and forget about it!

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