(The following is the translated version of Boston Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino's letter to Red Sox season ticket holders)
Dear Pink Hats of Red Sox Nation,
Thank you for your unwavering loyalty and support for our team this year. By unwavering support and loyalty, we mean your blind stupidity and devotion to our subpar team this year. Forget about the fact we have a top 5 payroll in all of MLB, but still put out a very slipshod roster. At least we are not like those a-holes from the Bronx who actually make wise decisions with their money instead of throwing it around.
Yes, times are tough in this economy, with the national jobless rate still being above 8%. But if you come to the ballpark, you can spend $5.75 for a hotdog, $3.50 for a large soda, and for the older fans, $8.00 for a cup of beer. That, and all the pointless 100th Anniversary souvenirs that we've been cramming down your throats all season.
Now I know you've been hearing about the turmoil going on within the clubhouse between the players and the coaches. Rest assure, we took care of that problem. We sent the only player that could add some form of stability to the Chicago White Sox. We also decide to keep around a few players that cause continual distractions in order to provide entertainment for our fans and fodder for the local media.
So with the second half of the season underway, I implore you to keep showing that blind loyalty for our subpar team. Keep coming to our games 2 hours early and stay 1 hour later. Please do not leave the game during rain delays as your late night cheering is vital to our success. We'll provide you with rain ponchos at $12 for adults and $7 for children and senior citizens. Keep cheering for our younger players like rookie Will Middlebrooks and Daniel Nava as they outperform and oust your beloved veteran players. Let's welcome back our All-Star players coming off the Disabled List, though they might end up back down in Pawtucket a few games later. And let's keep singing that good ol' Red Sox song 'Sweet Caroline' in the 8th inning.
Just remember folks. We could be going under .500 this year and not even make the 2nd WildCard Playoff spot. There could be irreparable relationships between teammates and coaches, and there could be more players traded away before the July 31st deadline. But the one constant fact is, with all the gripes, complaining, the whining, and the screaming for change, you will all still come back and root for your beloved Red Sox. We thank you for your blind loyalty/stupidity and support of our team. Thank you all and see you next year.
We are working out a 3 year extension for John Lackey at $25 million extension because we all know how much he's Red Sox nation most favorite player.
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