Fox's 12 Pains of Christmas

Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la...ah you guys know the rest. Any who, now normally is a time of peace and good will towards our fellow man and all that jazz. However as we celebrate the 12 days of Christmas, I'm here to present to you the 12 Sports Pains of Christmas according to moi. Now note, this is all in good fun. So if you take offense to it that means: A) you’re no fun, B) you suck, and C) 1, 2, 3 F@#k you. 

12. Ray Allen: Waah! The Celtics like this other guy who can play better defense and can run with Rondo better than me. He took my starter role and I'm stuck on the bench. But even though the Celtics offered me more money, I'm going to the Miami Heat for lesser money and to come off the bench for lesser playing time. You can't blame KG for not wanting to speak with him. 

11. Sports Illustrated: Oh we are so brilliant. Let's dedicate an entire piece to an LSU player who was kicked off the team for using drugs and put. Next, let's give the Sportsman of the Year to an egotistical jackass who gets babied by everybody from his team owner to the NBA Commissioner. I know you guys over there are desperate to sell some magazines but come on. If you are trying to create a discussion of some sorts, try to cover something more relevant for a change.

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10. New York Giants: Seriously....I cannot express the frustration I have. 2-4 in your last 6 games, you lost your divisional lead (to the Redskins and the damn Cowboys) and could wind up missing the playoffs after making the Super Bowl last season. YOU DO THIS EVERY FREAKIN' YEAR! Here's a novel concept, FINISH LIKE HOW YOU START! I would ask Santa for a W over the Ravens this Sunday but I might as well just ask for Tylenol for the headache I would experience from watching.

9. BCS Bowl Games: I am glad that they are going to use more of a tournament bracket come the 2014 season. People will argue that 'oh, it gives some other lesser schools the spotlight and to be able to showcase their football team's talent.' Pfft, I'm sure everybody wants to see Idaho play Nevada in the Great Idaho Potato Bowl or watch Michigan play a scrub from the ACC in the Chik-Fil-A Bowl or even tune into to the Papa John’s Bowl game between a WAC team and a MAC team.   Let's be honest, it's all about corporate sponsorship and these NCAA schools suck in the money. And here I thought it was all about football.

8. Barrack Obama: I have my reasons but that's beside the point. I could care less about your love for some crappy Chicago team (which is all of them) or your dingy little NCAA Basketball bracket that always seems to get ESPN coverage. And don't get me started on how he tried to get the 2016 Olympics to be in Chicago. I mean really Barry; I think there are more pressing matters to attend to than your fascination for the Bulls or White Sox.

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7. Johnny Manziel Winning the Heisman: This is a rare time that I and a certain Fighting Irish fan agree on something:  Johnny Manziel winning the Heisman is a joke. If you look at Manziel's numbers, they look 'impressive' with his 24 TDs passes (tied for 26th among NCCA FBS QBs) and his 19 rushing TDs (four short of Tim Tebow during his Heisman year). But then look who they played against: Southern Methodist, South Carolina State, Louisiana Tech, and Sam Houston State as well as going up against the bottom of the barrel in the SEC against Auburn and Arkansas. Not to mention that Geno Smith of West Virginia, AJ McCarron of Alabama, Aaron Murphy of Georgia, Tajh Boyd of Clemson, and many other QBs put up similar or better numbers than 'Johnny Football'. It's going to give me a headache to keep hearing about this kid every single year.

6. 2012 Boston Red Sox: Let's see: 6) Too focused on the '100-year anniversary of Fenway' to the point where you're mentioning it every 5 seconds. 5) Overpaying for players that have contributed little to nothing for the team. 4) Hiring a GM but then overrule him on every decision, thus making him look like a schmuck in a suit. 3) Bring in a Manager who has been out of the game for a few years now, but then keep the previous position coaches from the previous manager's staff. 2) Focus all your attention to Chelsea and watch them tank while you care. 1) Allow the players to run the show and piss and moan to the media when things aren't going their way. I can tell you that much that some Bostonians might put the '12 Sox as their number one Christmas pain.

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5. Jeffery Loria: In '97 the Florida Marlins won the World Series and then blew up everything in '98. Then they repeated the same process in '04 after winning the '03 World Series. Then 2012 rolled around and you and David Samson made promises of a fun team, spending all this money that magically came out of nowhere on the likes of Jose Reyes, Heath Bell, and bringing Ozzie Guillen. Then you had the tax payers of the city of Miami and Miami-Dale County paid a little bit over $600 million your new stadium while you contributed merely $155 million for the cause but got all the revenue. Then when things weren't going your way, you blew everything up and gave some half-ass excuse of 'we're going to take a different approach towards winning.' I guess you just pissed on everybody's back and told them it was raining huh Jeffy-boy.

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4. New England Patriots Fans: If there was an equivalent to Alabama fans in professional football, it's New England fans. You beat your chest proudly, saying your team is the best team in football. Yet you play in the weakest division and play the easiest schedule. You turn away a blind eye to the fact the Patriots higher-ups nickel and dime players. But when you guys lose a game, it's always the sky is falling and we need to blow up the team. And finally, you act like it's your God-given right to be in the Super Bowl but ever since 'Spygate', you have won only 4 playoff games in 5 years and the years you went to the Super Bowl, you lost to a better team. So go ahead, continue to act like you're the best team in football. It makes it even better when your team gets knocked out of the playoffs.

3. Replacement Ref Haters/"Critics": Surprised about this? Well you should be. I know for the first 4 weeks, we had poor officiating due to the NFL using replacement refs while the real refs were on strike. But if there was one thing worse than that it was hearing about how bad the replacement refs were by everybody in the media or that they were 'scabs' and money grabbers. Hell if I was a NCAA Division-III football ref and I got asked to ref the Giants-Cowboys game in the NFL, I'd be all over that in a heartbeat. Let's be honest folks, you'd fumble your words, make mental errors, and get easily intimidated when you got 6'7'' players getting up in your face, having coaches scream at you to get calls their way, or try to speak to millions upon millions of football fans. All I got to say is that after seeing the real refs perform lately, I kind of want the replacement refs back.

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2. NHL Owners during the Lockout: This is a joke. If the owners are so concerned about money, why do they pay their players this ridiculous 10-year $145-million contracts or start up a team in a terrible hockey markets (i.e. Phoenix, Nashville, Florida)? For all the talk about integrity and spirit of the game, they took a big dump on that when they cancelled the All-Star Game and their big venue the Winter Classic. And just now, they have also cancelled games through January 14th. But what makes it even worse is the fact that they 'leak out' reports of coming to terms with the NHL Players Association, only to backtrack and withdrew any deals on the table before then pointing the finger at the NHL Players Association and say they can't be negotiated with. Might as well just announce there will be no '12-'13 season instead of lying to everybody.

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1. New York Jets: I know this clip has been overplayed so many times but it just perfectly represents the Jets season:

Combined with the fact their GM overpaid for talent that ended up either on IR (Santonio Holmes and Darelle Revis) or just plan under-performed (Mark Sanchez and Bart Scott), made the ridiculous move of trading for one Tim Tebow and don't use him for anything really (except fodder for news),  brought in an offensive coordinator that continuously puts the ball in Sanchez's hands after he's turned it over 3 times, and have an owner who rather have his presidential candidate win than have his own team win, the Jets are the biggest pain in all of the sports world. If you make your biggest fan, who rooted for you during the Kotite-Era (including a 1-15 record back in '96), say that rooting for his team is no fun anymore, you know you've f****d up royally.

So that's it for my 12 Sports Pains of Christmas. Now if you excuse me, I got a carton of eggnog to attend to. Peace out.

-Ryan L. Fox