By Michael Parente
The signing of Jacoby Ellsbury guarantees female Yankee fans will have something to do, and watch, at the game this year in between pinning new drink recipes and listening to Drake.
This is exactly what the Yankees needed.
This will put asses – thick, juicy, Khloe Kardashian-type asses – in the overpriced seats at Yankee Stadium.
Baseball’s a business, just like owning a restaurant or running a convenience store, and no faction of the population spends more foolishly than women, which is why you – or anyone who cares about the financial and on-field success of the Yankees – should be thrilled New York signed former Red Sox centerfielder Jacoby Ellsbury to a seven-year, $153 million contract.
Face facts – the Yankees need a new heartthrob as much as they need a power-hitting, Gold-Glove outfielder with Ricky Henderson speed. Derek Jeter will turn 40 in June. The bags under his eyes are bigger than Star Jones and his receding hairline looks as though it’s running away from his eyebrows. No signs of muscle definition, either. Does he even lift?
The last time the Yankees missed the playoffs, they went out and acquired C.C. Sabathia, Mark Teixeira, Nick Swisher and A.J. Burnett in the greatest winter of all-time. Chemistry be damned, they won the World Series. You'd be a fool to not take another year like 2009 in lieu of four more years of drag bunts and strike-'em-out, throw-'em-out double plays with Travis Hafner batting cleanup.
Butt-hurt Red Sox fans didn’t think Johnny Damon had much left when he defected to New York in 2006, but all he did was smash 77 home runs in four years and post three seasons with an OPS above .800 while helping guide the Yankees to a World Series title in 2009. Mission accomplished. His heads-up swipe of third base in the ninth inning of Game 5 against the Phillies was worth the entire sum of Damon’s $52 million deal with the Yankees.
If Ellsbury brings at least one title to New York in the next seven years, the deal’s a success. No team will ever get full value for the entire length of a contract when testing the free-agent market, so the only way to evaluate any acquisition is based off what that player can do you for both on and off the field. Ellsbury does a lot, and his value as a left-handed pull-hitter in Yankee Stadium will increase exponentially through the years.
The scenery in the stands won’t be too bad, either. Whether you want to admit it or not, the business angle is as important as anything – and maybe even more important – in the eyes of those sign the checks. Build it, and they will come. Consider Ellsbury the new Pied Piper of Promiscuity in the Bronx. One hundred and fifty-three million can buy quite the gift basket. Just ask Jeter
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