A dark shadow has loomed over this great nation of ours recently. Hostess has announced that they will be shutting down production of tasty treats for good. That means no more Ho-Ho’s, Snowballs, Twinkies… bread… And now they’ll be as scarce as water in Africa. There have been jokes going around all over the vast seas of the internet that it was foretold by the Mayans, being the end of the world and all. It’s not like the loss of Hostess snacks will result in the collapse of western civilization. But put the following into perspective. Several scenarios were conceived in the event of an apocalypse or a major crisis. One scenario involved the world’s defense systems being hacked, resulting in the launch of several nukes and bringing modern day society back to the Stone Age. Another scenario was a zombie apocalypse, where survival was dictated through premeditated guidelines. And another involved a cop responding to a call at a skyscraper of a major company, and after leaving what was thought of as a false alarm, a man tosses a body off the window, lands on the cop’s car, and freaks out as the unknown man shouts “welcome to the party, pal!” The conclusion to these scenarios had a promising outcome from one important factor: Twinkies. Yes, the mythical everlasting snack that could survive even through the apocalypse. Food would be hard to grow due to the radiation contaminating the soil, or everyone is too busy running from zombies. So the only salvation mankind needs during and after the chaos is a pre-wrapped, cream-filled sponge cake that has no expiration. Take those out of the equation, and humanity will have a slimmer chance of survival and resistance. Perhaps… this is all part of the Mayan’s dire prophecy. The wheels of fate are turning as we are closer to midnight. Our best hope now is to save up on bottle caps and learn a deadly martial art. -"Demon" Matt Little So your small business is failing... Who ya gonna call?... GHOST BUSTERS!?!? Would you call a man with a proven track record of economic success and who has achievements in the “REAL WORLD,” who believes in hard work, and the American Dream. Or... would you prefer a man with a record of economic failure combined with a history of increasing debt? America has spoken and chose the latter!!!! Have most Americans lost their minds, and more importantly…THEIR SOULS!????? THE ANSWER IS YES ..AND I WILL TELL YOU WHY!!!!!!! This administration has a history of deception, beginning with Reverend Wright and his racist bizarre statements that Obama said he never heard, despite of the fact Obama sat in the front pew for 20 years? Wright performed the President’s marriage ceremony, as well as baptizing his two Daughters, but Obama said he was clueless to the Reverend's beliefs: “Chickens coming home to roost “ & “God damn America”. Next is the promise of a transparency in the White House. Some examples being Obamacare, which was passed in the twelfth hour without anybody reading it first. Then "The Fast and Furious" Gun Running scandal where the ATF illegally sold guns to the Mexican Drug Cartels, one of which was used to kill an American citizen. Next there was a TERROIST attack on the US Embassy in Benghazi in which four Americans were killed. Obama lied to the American public, as well as the UN, he blamed it on a video on YouTube and apologized six times for insulting Islam. I will lay out what the new America will look like and what to expect. This is what you wanted and this IS what you will get! THE ECONOMY is going under and it will continue heading towards a deep recession according to Newsmax and many economists, expect high unemployment and business failures during the next four years. Policies and regulations from the FDA & EPA will stunt growth. The current administration is creating 68 new regulations daily making it difficult to know what the rules of the game are! The bottom line is businesses and people that do the hiring lost all faith in the ability of Obama to have a balanced budget. OBAMACARE will cause many Doctors to fold up their practices due to the Government dictating how to treat patients and how much money they will pay for that treatment. This is called rationalized medicine, a socialistic approach to keep costs down at your health’s expense. Also, Obama hired 20,000 IRS agents to collect the fees from you and me. Just imagine our health care will be run by the Government kind of like the DMV. TAXES you can expect an increase of$ 2,000 to $3,000 for the Middle Class simply due to the fact the government has no money and 47% of the population Does Not Pay into the Till. Also an Obamacare tax of 4% when you sell your house... nothing like living the American Dream. GAS and fuel prices will increase because of EPA regulations and cut backs on domestic drilling an example is the administration just decided to stop all permits on 1.6 million acres of federal land for shale oil. Gee, wasn’t this brought up in the debates? Foreign Policy will be a nightmare. Russia, China and the Muslim Brotherhood look at Obama's administration as weak fools. Iran is very close to having nuclear weapons which they will gladly sell to terrorist for the home town discount the goal destroy the "Little Satan," Israel then the "Big Satan," America. China is building up their Navy and we are gutting our Navy and slashing funds for our Military. Imagine how our enemies view our President regarding the Benghazi lies and his orders to Stand Down. Just look at the flare uo in the Middle East? Obama voters now you won't have Bush to blame for your miserry, or Romney to blame for you prejudices against successful individuals. So if things go from bad to worst look in the mirror and say "This is what I wanted and this is I got" May God Bless American and protect the Defenders of the Faith WildSide David Clyde I was just combing through different topic to write about and came upon this beautiful gem of a story. Gareth Lloyd, a 49 year old man from England made over 5,800 random calls over a 90 day period telling various people that he had his penis stuck in a household object. Thats about 64 calls a day! Who really has the time to sit around and make that many prank calls, let alone about your penis being stuck in something.
Most people who actually do get their unmentioinables stuck in something they don't belong in, would have the first instinct to go to the hospital and get some attention for the "accident". Only Gareth thought it would be funny to call random people and ask them questions about it. Mind you, he never once got anything caught in any household product, but the sheer reaction to answering the phone and hearing the other person talking about getting their penis stuck in a vase or soda bottle. My first reaction would be like "what the fuck is your junk doing anywhere near something that it could get stuck in" in the first place? Then I would probably laugh histercially at the person who called me and found themselves in such a predicament. I mean come on, really guy? Like you have nothing better to do then call people to discuss your stupidity of getting your palm pilot stuck in a vase? That's fucking rediculous! Don't worry though folks, he only got sentenced to a period of probation with only resctrictions on phone use. That is a very fitting sentence for a guy who probably mentally scared who knows how many people across the country of England. Next time, people please think about who you would call if that ever happens to you, because I'm sure the pizza guy or hostess at a restaurant will know exactly what to tell you on how to get it out, without laughing uncontrollably at you. People this is the essence of thinking before you act. Take this as a lesson. -Coach- A listener to the Haunted Cabaret here at 990 WBOB sent me this item from an odd little printed newsletter called "Bayou Denizen:" Ella Mae Lee, daughter of police chief Orson V. Lee, here in the town of Swampy Knoll, Louisiana, tells the Denizen she was out fishing for crayfish after dark, when her boat was suddenly capsized by a huge catfish "bigger than the boat itself," in the words of the frightened victim. She reports being seized by the face- whiskers of the enormous beast and dragged away to its secluded, muddy lair in the middle of the swamp, where the catfish repeatedly had its way with her. Ella Mae eventually escaped when the catfish fell asleep. She snuck off and finally arrived at home after hours of desperate wandering. The brave girl managed to tell her story before collapsing into unconsciousness as a result of her terrifying ordeal. Her family has placed a $5000 bounty on the critter. "Dead or alive," says Chief Lee. "Best if it's dead." I've copy-edited the preceeding piece for clarity. It might be even more entertaining in its original form, but it's just about unreadable that way due to printing errors, spelling, and nonexistent sentence structure. There's no byline, but whoever wrote this little gem has a reserved seat with the Haunted Cabaret. - George Goner The Haunted Cabaret Once again, another Twilight movie will be released nationwide, ushering in mobs or fanatic, and completely dense, fans flocking to the movie theaters. Since this latest movie is based off the second part of the last book, obviously there will be no more movies to come. Like the Dark Ages, and the Bush administration, all bad things also come to an end. But is it REALLY the end? As you know, Twilight is a story of a human girl, played by a girl as bland as porridge, who falls in love with a vampire, played by a more talented actor and a surprisingly cool guy in real life. And after a series of events, they fall in love, get caught in a love triangle with a shirtless werewolf, have a freaky vampire child, and fight off a secret society of vampires trying to ruin their love, led by the same actor who played a Lycan. And the moral of the entire story: having a boyfriend is the most important thing in the universe. In my professional opinion, the Twilight series is entirely rubbish. A Disney movie can tell a much better love story than Twilight. Even my love for video games and clam chowder make a better love story. Kristen Stewart is such a bad actress, she really is porridge. Twilight is a mockery of the vampire genre and Stephanie Meyer should feel bad. I've said this before countless times, vampires do no SPARKLE and werewolves aren’t FLUFFY. Not to mention the movie series won several Razzies, including worst movie of all time. I mean, you probably thought that something this horrible can’t possibly have such a huge fan base, right? …It does. In the LA premier alone, twi-hards (or “twi-tards”) gathered in the rain and even camped outside, tents and all. All of them, excluding their boyfriends, are real diehard fans. All of them with fantasies of having a boyfriend so cool and gorgeous like their beloved Edward or Jacob, despite having one that doesn’t sparkle or run on batteries. But that’s just LA, come Thursday night, your local movie theater will be packed with giggling fans. If the traditional vampires can create ghouls, then these fans are like the ghouls of Twilight vampires. My god…they’re like sub humans. So as a nerd, I know for a fact that fandom won’t die so easily. Look at Star Wars and Doctor Who, even after their older variations ceased before their reboot, there have still been fans. Unfortunately, this is also the case with Twilight. As long as there are fans, it won’t simply die away. Even Kristen Stewart stated that it will last forever, and even owed her career to the franchise. Which come to think of it, Twilight can be looked at like porridge. It can’t be built up, and it can’t be broken down either. Essentially, it’s mush. Vampiric mush. So I got some advice for you Twilight haters out there. The next time you encounter one or several Twilight fans, or get into a conversation with one and feel the urge to call that person stupid for not knowing who Bram Stoker is, just ignore them. Because porridge is not worth the time and energy to deal with. -"Demon" Matt Little |
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