A dark shadow has loomed over this great nation of ours recently. Hostess has announced that they will be shutting down production of tasty treats for good. That means no more Ho-Ho’s, Snowballs, Twinkies… bread… And now they’ll be as scarce as water in Africa.
There have been jokes going around all over the vast seas of the internet that it was foretold by the Mayans, being the end of the world and all. It’s not like the loss of Hostess snacks will result in the collapse of western civilization. But put the following into perspective. Several scenarios were conceived in the event of an apocalypse or a major crisis. One scenario involved the world’s defense systems being hacked, resulting in the launch of several nukes and bringing modern day society back to the Stone Age. Another scenario was a zombie apocalypse, where survival was dictated through premeditated guidelines. And another involved a cop responding to a call at a skyscraper of a major company, and after leaving what was thought of as a false alarm, a man tosses a body off the window, lands on the cop’s car, and freaks out as the unknown man shouts “welcome to the party, pal!”
The conclusion to these scenarios had a promising outcome from one important factor: Twinkies. Yes, the mythical everlasting snack that could survive even through the apocalypse. Food would be hard to grow due to the radiation contaminating the soil, or everyone is too busy running from zombies. So the only salvation mankind needs during and after the chaos is a pre-wrapped, cream-filled sponge cake that has no expiration. Take those out of the equation, and humanity will have a slimmer chance of survival and resistance. Perhaps… this is all part of the Mayan’s dire prophecy. The wheels of fate are turning as we are closer to midnight. Our best hope now is to save up on bottle caps and learn a deadly martial art.
-"Demon" Matt Little
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