London 2012

More Olympic Coverage: Ya know what? I've never stayed up at night wondering? Never even crossed my mind, actually. I've never once asked myself "hmm, I wonder who in the world can swim like a frog the fastest?" Not once. But every four years some guy from Podunk, USA gets his own Subway commercial because he can swim really fast. This isn't even a marketable skill unless you're in a business that involves frequenlty outswimming sharks. And if that's the case, I say scrap the whole breast stroke thing and just swim for your damn life.

So this guy is a 45th of a second faster that than that guy, so what? I'll bet he can't swim faster than a carp... or a school of pirhanna. Now that would be a fun sport to watch! I also don't care about synchronized swimming, nor do I know how it qualifies as a sport. The object isn't even to go fast, you just kinda flop around in the water. Actually, it looks like drowning. I remember years ago the French team wanted to do a scene from Schindlers List, complete with goose stepping. Underwater goose stepping is not a sport. But I appreciate the theatrics, and wouldn't mind seeing the American team do something special like that. Maybe a Tyler Perry movie or Jersey Shore. I also hate anything that needs judges. See me making this dismissive jerking off motion?? My form is .21 points superior to the guy from Serbia Montenegro and .34 better than the Uruguayan in terms of difficulty. But I lost major points for too much splash.

Ha! You've been a lovely audience, try the veal!
 
-Kevin Willette

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