From The Bayou Denizen Newsletter:
The hunt for the giant catfish responsible for the abduction and rape of Miss Ella Mae Lee, daughter of Swampy Knoll, Louisiana Police Chief Orson V. Lee, has taken a bizarre and tragic turn. Deputy Amos Nedletter, during a nighttime search last weekend of that part of the vast Louisiana bayou known as Newsom's Bog, was seized and dragged off by the tentacle-like face whiskers of the huge beast. Once captured, Deputy Nedletter was violated without mercy by the catfish in its unknown lair. Helpless during the assault, he only managed to escape afterwards by sneaking away once the worn-out catfish fell asleep. An early-morning passerby found him Monday morning a short walk from Percy's Bait Shop, badly bruised, and without pants.
Questioned later about his terrifying experience, the Deputy said it felt "Like somebody shoved a rifle barrel up mah butt 'n' shot me fulla cold jello." The traumatized law officer is expected to make a full recovery, at least physically. According to Doctor Willie Shep, spokesman for Griffiths Park Medical Center, the psychological damage may prove to be "incalculable." He likens the emotional trauma of giant catfish rape to the post-traumatic stress suffered by returning veterans. "We can only hope for the best," he says.
Police Chief Lee has sworn revenge. At a hastily arranged press conference, he declared: "The catfish will be brought to justice. Violating my daughter was bad enough, but now the critter's turned queer in the bargain. I'll get that bastard fish if it's the last thing I ever do, Praise God and Sonny Jesus!" Efforts to apprehend the giant catfish to date have been singularly ineffective, but Chief Lee is not discouraged: "This time they're mobilizing the National Guard," he says. "This time we'll get him!"
So there you have it, courtesy of the Bayou Denizen.
Again, I've corrected for grammar, typos, and general incoherence. I can't, unfortunately, correct the anti-gay sentiment, which belongs exclusively to the newsletter writer. See my blog dated 11/14/12 for the beginning of these catfish goings-on. As then, a dirty waterstained copy of the Bayou Denizen arrived at the WBOB offices, addressed to myself, delivered by old-fashioned snail-mail. The sender remains anonymous. The first issue showed up on our doorstep three months before this one. Will there be another?
- George Goner
The Haunted Cabaret