WBOB Original Reads

"Putin On The Blitz."

3/8/2014

Dan Martin

When WBOB management asked me to write about current affairs in Russia and the defunct Soviet Union, my first thought was, "how would I write a comedic piece about this without horrible puns?" While out at an show in Boston I actually heard a comic make the pun, "Crimea river," in reference to recent news. I also heard a story, off-stage, of Vladimir Putin stealing a Super-Bowl ring? Which then lead me to want to title the my piece, "Putin On The Blitz." However when I was told that I would appear on the society page, I refrained from that sort of journalism. Here is what I know.

On February twenty-seventh, just over a week ago, unidentified pro-Russian troops seized control of most of the Crimean Peninsula in Southeast Ukraine. The troops were alleged to be "local defense forces." A force regulated by the National Guard Bureau, also known as SDF, State Defense Forces. Tensions were rising in the region due to the Ukrainian Revolution and the recent seizure. All of this as the newly installed government in Ukraine began to distance itself from Russia, Russian troops were moved into Crimea by President Vladimir Putin in order to protect their geopolitical interests in the Ukraine. Putin insists that this move was for the protection of ethnic Russians in Crimea, which are a majority of the population there. The irony of the situation is that the Russian Government does not recognize the newly installed interim government in the Ukraine. Furthermore, Russia still considers ousted-president Viktor Yanukovych, the true leader of the Ukraine. Russia also claims that Yanukovych requested Russia to intervene in Ukraine militarily in order to maintain peace and order; an intervention that Putin claims to be "Humanitarian." A shocking claim indeed but not so shocking when you consider the source.

In 2005 Vladimir Putin had met owner of the New England Patriots, Robert Kraft at a social-political event. Putin had asked to see Kraft's Super-Bowl Ring. Once Kraft handed him the ring, Putin put the ring in his pocket and walked away surrounded by three body guards. During the confusion of the events that took place, Kraft issued a statement under duress. The White House Staff urged him to state that the ring was given as a gift, a sign of friendship with the Russian People and an appreciation of Putin's leadership. The truth was, Kraft got jacked. When asked about the incident, Vladimir's first response was, "What Ring?" and most recently Putin's Spokesperson released a statement recalling the ring as a gift. "Weird." I think the weird part is a foreign president stealing from a sports-team owner like some spoiled child. I am surprised Putin's response to his latest actions was something other than, "What Peninsula?"

The Ukrainian response has been halted as its leaders struggle to find a diplomatic solution. As it stands the National response to Russia's actions is a negative one. The United States, the United Kingdom, France, Germany, Italy, Canada and the European Union condemned Russia, accusing it of breaking international law and violating Ukrainian sovereignty. Crimea is to hold a referendum on March 30th 2014 concerning Crimea's autonomy within the Ukraine. Russia maintains that their forces will remain in place until these issues are resolved. Or as they put it, "the political situation normalizes." Let's just hope a resolution can be made without a show of military power from either country. Although I am not sure what this fight is actually about, I mean other than the "political freedom of a sovereign nation" overtones. While researching this I felt as if I was watching a Cohen Brothers film.

Kraft still has not gotten his ring back. Reading about this incident has it playing over in my head like a Looney Tunes vignette starring a rabbit and a duck. The Duck will never learn, always going after the jewels or falling for the lady rabbits is only going to hurt him in the end. I mean, how many times can you pick your beak back up and screw it back on and live to fight another day? No matter the cause or who is to blame, I hope these countries find a peaceful solution and do not involve our country or other countries in yet another territorial pissing contest. After reading up on the characters in charge, I have my webbed feet crossed on this one.