Hollywood action stars are getting too old for this s***

Once upon a time, there were three buff celebrities who would go on to star in some of the most famous 80’s action movies of all time.  Then they founded Planet Hollywood and starred in even more action flicks in the 90’s, with sequels that were more “meh.”  Then 2000 came along, and as they got older, their stardom started to fade.  One became governor of California, one used Botox, and one lamented in his misery of being uncool as his ex-wife married another celebrity half her age.  But then the one action star, after doing a couple of his own sequels, came up with the idea of putting all three of them in a movie together.  They pulled it off with the help of several other action stars, and even made a sequel.  With their confidence restored, the three old stars went off and did more movies again.  And they all lived happily ever after… In case this fairytale was too cryptic, I was referring to Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and Bruce Willis still doing even more movies, with all three in three new movies released on dates close to each other. 

There’s Bruce Willis, who aged more gracefully than I imagined.  He of course made it big playing a cop who came to the wrong place at the wrong time on more than one occasion.  Over the years, he’s now become a typecast for a disgruntled, middle-aged cop, or just a disgruntled middle-aged man.  I would be too if my ex married Ashton Kutcher.  Now he’s in yet another Die Hard coming out soon where he now teams up with his character’s son against some Russian mafia.  In fact, he almost reminds me of my old man.  No wonder why he relates well to his older characters…

Then there’s Arnold, or “Ah-nuld” as I like to call him, hasn’t done much since being the big bad, Predator-slaying governor.  Not even his SoCal tan, Rogaine, and sagging muscles can hide the fact that his Mr. Universe days are well and done.  After doing The Expendables, now he’s back (seriously, no pun intended) playing another all-American hero (from Austria).  This one is called The Last Stand, where he plays a sheriff who teams up with Johnny Knoxville to take on a fugitive on the run. And get this, he’s going to be in more upcoming projects.  I’m looking at IMDb now and…oh good lord, he’s going to reprise he role as Conan the Barbarian!?   Uh, where do I even begin with that?

And then there’s Sly, the Italian Stallion who’s now a legit senior citizen and still surprisingly fit while counteracting his aged leathery skin.  In the 2000’s, in addition with The Expendables, he revived his glory days by staring and working on revived sequels to Rocky and Rambo.  No really, he went through some serious training to keep in shape for all of those later movies.  I’m surprised he didn’t break his hip yet.  And of course, he’s in the new action flick Bullet to the Head where he’s an assassin who later on takes on Drago from Game of Thrones.  No really, Rambo takes on Drago, that s*** is crazy!

But I’d like to conclude that I may admire older men who have the willpower to still kick ass, but there has to be limits.  Because one day, not too far in the future, they’ll end up in comedies.  Comedies about old people in some sort of situation.  Or perhaps grandfathers.  And guess who the grandpas will be?  They’ll start to slow down, look in a mirror, and realize “I’m getting too old for this s***.”  And with way they’ve been doing things in the business since the 80’s, it certainly is getting old.  Speaking of which, I pray they don’t make another Lethal Weapon…

-"Demon" Matt Little

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