990WBOB
  • WBOB Radio
  • Crush Cancer
  • Past Casts
  • Weather
  • Contact
  • About
    • WBOB Press Releases
    • Join Our Team!
    • CHARITY GALA

Five Ways To Celebrate A Dry St. Paddy's Day

3/15/2020

Comments

 
Picture
John Davidson III

As the alcohol-drenched celebrations of St. Patrick's Day approach and people prepare parties to remember the evangelical efforts of Ireland's patron by projecting emerald vomit into sewer drains, I'm often asked how I, a total geek that doesn't party and, indeed, doesn't even drink alcohol, choose to enjoy this most inebriated of holidays.

​With that question in mind, here are my five steps to replicate the geeky, alcohol free, St. Patty's Day I typically enjoy.
5) Eat Actual Food -- Good Food

Oh man! You know what people love to eat on St. Patty's Day? Corned beef and cabbage! You know what sober people never like to eat? Corned beef and cabbage! It's foul, disgusting garbage. Who even thought this up? Probably someone totally hammered. I know! Let's ruin beef by covering it in water and boiling it. What? Apply direct heat and carefully cook it so it's tender and delicious? Nah, let's just treat it like packaged macaroni and cheese!

Okay, now that we've cooked our meat in the culinary equivalent of bong-water, what should we pair it with to really drive home the beer-fart flavor we're going for? I GOT IT! Cabbage! We can add that in and get it sopping wet so it's basically like eating even shittier seaweed directly from the ocean. Is it any wonder peopledrink this much during St. Patty's Day when this is the traditional food?
​
Me? I opt for wonderful fast food. Maybe Wendy's. Maybe a delicious Walt's Roast Beef sandwich. Properly cooked beef! Crazy, amirite?!? Or maybe just a meat-covered pizza. Even the most disgusting, rabbit-turd piece of cheap "hamburger" grease-bomb topping is better than corned beef. And the best part? Since none of these places serve alcohol I get whatever I want right away so long as I go there before last call when late-night fast food gets flooded by staggering, stumbling celebrants looking to wash the taste of fart-beef out of their mouths.
4) Set the Mood with an Appropriately Geeky Movie

Geeks love bad movies and I'm a geek so, ergo, I love bad movies too! Bad movies let you watch something someone poured their effort & time into just so that it can end up the subject of ridicule. What's more fun than that? You know what isn't? Someone throwing up into your mouth during a drunken bar-crawl hook-up.
So grab yourself a movie! And really there's only one movie you can choose! Well, actually... it's a series of movies.

The Lephrechaun films.

These movies are the perfect bad films to enjoy on St. Patty's Day. Except for Lephrechaun: Origins. That movie can burn in hell (for reasons explained below).

Here's the premise: an evil leprechaun is going to murder people. That's all. Well, not really all. Sometimes he murders people in space. Sometimes her murders them in the hood. Or "tha" hood. What the hell more could you possibly need to know? They're dumb, hilariously low-budget and GLORIOUS (except for Origins. Eat me, Origins).

So you've got a leprechaun that uses a pogo stick to kill someone (yes, this happens!), space stations and gang-bangers. What could possibly be the cherry on top of this sundae? They star Warwick FREAKING Davis as the titular Leprechaun! Yes, Warwick Davis. The same Warwick Davis that played Wicket the Ewok in Return of the Jedi as well as Willow in...uh...that movie with Madmartigan. He's also been in Doctor Who, Harry Potter and even the 1990 television Zorro series (an absolute personal favorite of mine!). That is one of the geekiest resumes EVER!

​Oh and Leprechaun: Origins? It doesn't star Warwick Davis. So it can go die.
3) Drink

Yup, rule 3 is drink. "But you just said you don't drink alcohol!", you say. Yeah, I did say that. And I don't. I didn't say "Drink alcohol" did I? What, you just see the verb "drink" and automatically link it to alcohol? Sounds like you have a serious problem.

Soda and milk shakes.

Two of my biggest weaknesses. And St. Patrick's Day is the day to indulge in them! Why? Because everyone else is pouring WAY worse things into their gullets so I can feel okay about indulging a bit! Who's gonna judge me? The guy that just went into full renal failure because his liver hit critical mass? Or maybe the co-ed who just drenched her own hair in puke and toilet water? Yeah, I'll take their opinions to heart! Hell, I'll probably ask them for general life advice because, clearly, they've got their shit together.

Nope! I'm gonna enjoy my high-fructose corn syrup and high-calorie ice cream in liquid form, thank you very much! I mean, why not? I'll probably have enough time during the day to hit the gym if I feel particularly bad. At some point, I'll even combine the two drinks and start downing root beer floats! After all, I'm going to need all that sugar and energy for step 2!
​2) Destroy Drunks Online

Now we reach what dominates a good deal of my St. Patty's Day evening! Find whatever video game you like to get competitive over. For some people that's going to be Madden (wtf?! sportsball? lol) or something equally dumb. For me this year? Street Fighter V.

Now, just go online and start raising the hell out of your rank! You see, on St. Patty's Day evening video games get DELUGED with drunken, uncoordinated, sloppy idiots that feel invincible! It's the perfect time to rack up victories! And, usually, hilarious victories! It's even better if you're playing a game that allows you to hear our opponents because you'll be serenaded by drunken slurs and the sounds of derision being piled on your opponent by their equally drunk friends surrounding them in the room witnessing the ass-beating your handing them!

Think about that! I get to thrash someone in a video game while hearing them made the center of a fairly public depantsing! Especially since they usually open up every contest with a tirade of beer-bravado-fueled trash-talk that they then utterly fail to follow up on! It's basically the online version of every "One-sided beat-down" video you've ever seen online where a guy talks CRAZY SHIT then gets knocked the EFF OUT in a single punch. Except you're the one delivering that punch. Oh happy day! Remember, trolling is totally fine so long as the other person is completely wasted!
1) Enjoy Your Morning... and Make Sure Nobody Else Enjoys Theirs (#thankssocialmedia!)

Okay so I said it's okay to troll someone if they're totally drunk, right? That extends to hang-overs. If someone is hung-over it is TOTALLY okay to troll them. That is where rule #1 kicks in because rule #1 isn't technically a part of enjoying St. Patrick's Day because it actually takes place the next morning. See, after all those milkshakes and rich food, I'm going to sleep like a happy, fat baby. Everyone else though? They're dead to the worlds. Booze-drenched rocks that will turn into migraine-suffering zombies the next morning.
​
And the linchpin of this plan? Social media! See, people love to broadcast their status so you'll know exactly which ones of your friends are really suffering some real, tangible regret over their actions of the previous night.
So... when you pinpoint those people? Give them a call! Pretend you didn't see their status on Facebook or the Tweet about the pain they're in! If they don't answer? Keep calling! Say you were just concerned that they didn't pick up! Speak in a slightly louder-than-necessary voice! Incite your dog to "Say hello" too by barking into the phone receiver! If they insist they're too headache riddled to do anything or even speak, offer to take them out to breakfast and just pick somewhere you know there's going to be a lot of loud children! Twist those thumb-screws every chance you get! Remember, you don't drink so they'll never be able to get revenge on you by doing the same!
​

Read More 990WBOB

  • Taste Test: KFC Fried Chicken & Donut Sandwich
  • WATCH: Activision v. Leakers & Stadia's Latest Problems
  • CFI: NFL Draft QB Rankings
  • Rhode Island’s Road to 2020 Part II: What About the Children?
Comments

    WBOB
    Original
    ​Reads

    Picture

    Unbiased, Unfiltered. WBOB's Original Reads feature our brightest and boldest personalities, offering their two-cents on the goings on of news, sports, politics, entertainment, and business. -- Are our opinions always PC? Nope. Are they always perfect? Nah. But, are they always 100% authentic? Absolutely!


    LISTEN
    ​TO WBOB ORIGINAL PODCASTS

    Picture
    Listen to
    ​Past BOBCasts

    WBOB 
    Best Reads
    Brought To You By
    TripAdvisor.com

    Picture

    Celebrating David Clyde: A Wild Passionate Friend To All


    Picture

    Search 
    The Archives


    Reads From Our Friends

    Picture

    The Best Game Development Tools: How to Make Your Own Game


    Contact Us
    [email protected]


    Archives

    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012

Search For Your Favorite WBOB Author,
​or BobCast

990WBOB 
An Independent Media Outlet.

The views opinions and thoughts expressed do not  reflect those of 990WBOB, its management or its staff. All Rights Reserved 990WBOB.com 2007-2020
​
Contact WBOB HERE
Photo from nzhamstar
  • WBOB Radio
  • Crush Cancer
  • Past Casts
  • Weather
  • Contact
  • About
    • WBOB Press Releases
    • Join Our Team!
    • CHARITY GALA