WBOB Original Reads

Gobble Gobble: WBOB's Ultimate Turkey Day Power Rankings

11/23/2016

Kevin Aherne

They gobble. We gobble, then we wobble.

It's Thanksgiving in America (silly Canadians have theirs in October -- the Hosers!) and with that comes the four "F's" -- Family, Food, Football, and Fighting (in my house, at least). There will be turkey, and stuffing, and cranberry, and potato, and gravy, and pie (mmm, pie) -- plus Lions, and Steelers, and Saints.

So, with so much happening in one afternoon, how could we possibly determine what features are best about Thanksgiving?

Here is your definitive list -- The 990WBOB Thanksgiving Power Rankings

8. Cranberry Sauce (Canned)

It's better in the can. It just is.

There is something about those ridges that gets me into the spirit of the holiday. And if you're going to try to impress me with some organic homemade cranberry chutney with coriander and creme fraiche, then GTFO. Although, this tart treat has a very short window of opportunity -- as it is only an acceptable foodstuff on Turkey Day itself, or as dressing for your Thanksgiving leftovers sandwich.

Give me can lines or give me death!

7. Racist Uncles

Just like the #9 ranked cranberry sauce, this item is only really tolerable one day a year. And while you might ask, "Kevin, you can't possibly be condoning racism?" Certainly not. However, to satirically nod as Uncle Whisky-Breath tries to explain his "first-hand knowledge" of Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden actually being the same person (have YOU ever seen them in a room together?) is pure entertainment.

6. Hors d'Oeuvres

Otherwise known as appetizers to the Olive Garden crowd, hors d'oeuvres set the table (pun intended) for the big meal.

You're hungry, but cousin Frank is still in line at Best Buy buying a new 4K television for himself? -- no problem, have a cocktail shrimp. Two hours until the turkey's ready to eat? -- Gnosh on some Triscuits with sharp cheddar.

5. Stuffing

Stuffing, not dressing. If it wan't the result of turkey buggery, I don't want it.

4. Gravy

We are in Rhode Island, so I need to specify that I mean GRAVY and not tomato sauce. But put that creamy goodness on e'rything! Turkey, Stuffing, Potato, heck, I'll even dip my cocktail shrimp in it!

3. The Bird

As the un-late, un-great Adam Sandler once said, "Light meat, dark meat, you just can't lose."

Turkey is the real star of Thanksgiving, but is it really our favorite part? Probably not.

Like a Christmas tree with no lights, a Halloween with no pumpkins, or a St. Patrick's Day without regrets -- it's absence would ruin the tone of the holiday.

I don't really even like turkey, but every fourth Thursday in November, it's all I can think about. Gravy saturation, crispy skin, and tryptophan -- sign me up!

2. Football

Maybe it starts - after you pop the bird in the oven - with your hometown high school game in the morning, or maybe it's the Lions or Cowboys game on television, or even a little touch football game with the family in the backyard (dibs on cousin Hank), but it's not truly Turkey day with out some pigskin. C'mon, football was the birthplace of the Tur-Duc-ken.

1. Pie in This Guy

Save room for dessert?

Of course not. But who cares, that's why we buy belts with multiple holes. Out of holes? Punch a new one. There's no way you're missing out on the pastries!

But in 2016, here is what I am most thankful for: Pike! What's that? Oh, ya know, just 2 or 3 PIES BAKED INSIDE A CAKE! (pictured above)

Mind: Blown!

Ranking within a ranking

Here are undisputed Thanksgiving Pie Power Rankings:
1. Pecan
2. Chocolate Cream
3. Cheesecake
4. Cherry
5. Pumpkin